Tales of a Halloween Scrooge

I woke up this morning quite achy and cranky. I failed to go to bed at the proper time... in part because my children decided to pull an almost all nighter. Sage stayed up until a little after 2am and the boys I finally shooed out of the room shortly before I got her to lay down. This led my body to think it should stay up until near 4. wtf? I know why I do this.. I crave the solitude and quiet time without the kids, so I know it's only normal that I should stay up an hour or so after they go to bed. Not sure exact reasons why the kids stayed up so late other than the stars must have been properly aligned lol.

This led me to, of course, not get enough sleep. Sleep is greatly important to my pain levels throughout the day. If I don't sleep enough, I'm inevitably miserable the next day... sometimes lasting two or three days after a late night. My hips and legs hurt so bad I had some issues getting mobile this morning. I hate feeling like that... especially when that's how my day starts.

Trick or treating was today. With all the financial upheavals we've had recently I was unable to get the boys costumes. I looked around for some of our old costumes to no avail.. and I'll be damned if I recall where I shoved the face paint from last year. (probably hidden from Miss Sage, who likely found my stash spot at one point throughout the year) So, I had to be the mean mommy and tell the littles we weren't going this year.

Normally we don't trick or treat in our town. The few times I have gone, I've received Easter and Christmas candy. I'm not talking just one piece... I'm talking a good, solid quarter of the bag. Eww. So typically I swing out to my dad's and we go have a good time there. My dad knows all of his neighbors and some even get my kiddos special treats. :) My dad was working today though so we decided to make plans for a different day. No biggie.

Aidan was a bit disappointed we didn't go. He expressed this numerous times throughout the day. He was slightly soothed by getting two big bags of his own candy but still managed to bring it up again right before bed. I hate feeling like such a Scrooge. bah.

I've decided I need to work on some things about myself. I need routine.. I hate routine but I need it. I need to get on top of this house first. It's depressing being here sometimes as the mess can be overwhelming. It's not difficult to clean up really.. it's just motivating myself to do so. In part, I don't know where to put some of our stuff. I decided to homeschool the boys a few years ago and have never really found an organizational setup I like or can stick to. I tried doing flylady not too long ago but ha. like many things I attempt to stick to... I fell off the wagon.

I wish it wasn't so difficult for me to stay organized. Really. I have a very organized brain.... and when I do get myself going I'm really good at what I do. It's just keeping up with things after the fact. I might for a while (like a week or two) but then I slack off in some area and next thing I know everything else has fallen apart, too.

Well. No more. I am making a promise to myself that by next Saturday my kitchen will be spotless.. that needs to happen first. I am aiming for keeping it spotless daily. That way the mess doesn't grow to crazy proportions. I also want to work on the bathroom. The living room will come next (see I have a plan) but I need to find a system for the living room. I need to figure out a better way to control the mess. It's too cluttered this way but we use all of our 'stuff' in here. Maybe some room reordering is what I need. I also want to post to my blog daily, as a way to keep track of myself and my feelings. I think this will greatly help me.

All of this leads in to my holiday blahs. I swear! If I get myself together... I think I'll be able to better enjoy the holidays. I want feel so overwhelmed and cranky. Aiming to have myself totally together by Thanksgiving and working on another set of goals. :)

Crash!

Inevitably whenever I have a ton of good things happening in my life, something has to happen to give me pause. I suppose this happens so I re-evaluate and continue to feel ever grateful for the blessings I do have.

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from my father. When I answered it, I was chipper, cheery expecting a conversation about trick or treating times and the usual. Instead it went something like this...

Dad: Have you spoken to Grandma yet?

Me: No? Why? Do I need to speak to Grandma right now? What's going on? What happened?!

Dad: Papa had a seizure.

Me: WHAT!??!?!

Dad: I really don't know what's going on, other than Grandma called me and said Papa had some sort of seizure.

Me: OH FUCK!

I hurriedly got off the phone with him to quick call my grandma to find out just what the hell was going on. She had even less news for me than my father. ACK! Frustration! Apparently they were not together when my poor papa fainted. He was at a funeral for a friend and started to feel dizzy when they had stood up to sing. He felt dizzy and nauseous and decided he should sit down instead. That's the last thing he remembers, next thing he knows he's laying on the floor with everybody around him. The paramedics were called and he was whisked away to the emergency room.

So of course, I'm thinking he's had a seizure or a stroke or omg what!? I'm trying to remain in the positive but that is so miserably hard to do when you just don't.know.anything.of.the.situation. Especially for someone like me... *sigh*

Papa did not have a seizure. Or a stroke. He has no obvious neurological impairments (hehehe other than the obvious ones :P) and seems to be doing ok, a little weak.. a little tired but ok. They've run the gamut of tests on him and I think secretly he's reveling in all the attention... the dirty little imp. lol No.. he's really not. I'm certain he wants to come home as they do not let people sleep in there. His words, not mine.

My thoughts are.. he gave blood for some blood work yesterday morning, came home and ate a bowl of cereal, and then headed out for the funeral. The cereal likely caused a spike in his sugar and the blood work + standing for a long time probably caused a drop in his blood pressure. Not a very good combination, right? I mean, I'm no doctor but it seems logical enough. One side of me feels grateful, though, that he's in the hospital getting himself thoroughly checked out. He's deadset on living to 100. I'm pulling for him! ♥

I can see clearly now...

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. :)

I was ultra terrified that we were definitely going to lose our house even though T had finally found a job. I kept wracking my brain trying to come up with a solution but every effort I put in to it was thwarted. We tried selling our property numerous times to no avail, we dropped the price down to practically nothing.. and still no buyers. I guess it was meant to be.. and in a way I am actually kind of glad that no one bought it as we had yet to even see the property and enjoy it.

I applied for food stamps because we were just in such a tight bind that I didn't see any way to feed my family the way we deserve to eat. I had to keep reminding myself that there is no shame in asking for help when you really need it. I was glad I did, the people at the DHS office were so very kind... not what I expected. We qualified for expedited assistance and it couldn't have come at a better time, our cupboards were most definitely on the bare side. Now they are stuffed to the brim, overflowing and it brings such a sense of security for me...

I found the solution to the house problem as well. I had to break down and use my son's trust fund. It wasn't easy to come to the decision at all.. I really did not want to have to touch that money ever. It is K's money, not mine.. we've done it all this time on our own.. never even thinking of that money. ever. But desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose and K was more than willing for us to use his money. We had many conversations leading up to the actual decision to use it. He started many of them with, MOM! Please! Just use my money.. it means nothing to me. My typical response was, but it might mean something to you in the future. The last talk we had about it he said to me that it wouldn't mean near as much to him as a happy childhood he's enjoyed in a home of his own, a place that is his to lay his head at night. I nearly burst in to tears when he said that to me. I must say he is truly an amazing person. I'm glad he's a part of my life. So very glad, he's enriched me in more ways than I can list.

So, we are totally caught up on the mortgage through December. Hubby has a job that he should be starting soon. We have tons of food. I've got the sheer pleasure of my children available to me all day long. A happy home, A happy life. I am so blessed.

Oh.. and I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by the outpouring of kindness when we were at the lowest point in this ordeal. Family and friends sending us home with food from gathers, I was given some money a few times which was a blessing. My sister even took us grocery shopping once to make sure we could get through the week. How awesome. Things always seemed to fall in to place when it needed to... Just when I thought I was out of my last roll of toilet paper someone was making sure I had some available. lol It's true.. I will never doubt humanity again, there are some truly awesome people out there in this world. ♥♥♥

So it happens...

Yesterday my husband found a job... I'm not sure if it's what he was really expecting in terms of what he wants to do with his life but it's a job and it will be different. Of course, me being me, I had to get on google and start googling for taxi driver experiences. Do they make money? Is it hard? What does it entail? etc, etc, etc. I'm really trying not to scare myself because some money is better than no money... and I really can see it as a lucrative career.. but it might take some time. Who knows, perhaps it's merely transitional and we'll go from there.

I'm still trying to keep my head in the positives, it's working and I am a lot happier overall when I feel/think this way. I've taken to only speaking in positives and trying not to let my mind dwell in the negatives. Some things are harder to do that with than others... It was slightly alarming this morning when I woke up and checked my bank account to find that we were 880 dollars in the hole. But it will be ok... and somehow we'll get out of this hole... while I'm searching for a way to pull up out that hole, it would be nice to find the money to pay our outstanding mortgage balance before they accelerate our loan AND somehow have enough food in the house. :D

Next Thursday is my food stamp interview, so that's a plus. We really need the help with food... I've become really creative at figuring out how to make something to feed us all on random things left in our pantry/freezer/fridge. This morning was chocolate pancakes... and that made everybody happy.

it will sell

that is all.

Speaking of Blogging...

I thought today I should post the positives in my life. There have been quite a few crappy things going on with me recently.. but I'm trying to put my best foot forward and think only of the things that are positive right now.

Last week my husband had a major meltdown. I think a year's worth of shit just finally fell on top of him and he let go. It's hard when you're faced with a bazillion examples of how you are failing in life right now but I let him have some alone time. As upset as I was leaving him (crying and scared), I felt that things would be ok. On the drive to my grandparent's house I saw a huge rainbow. This rainbow filled me with hope. Hope that all is not lost and that we will find the answer.

Today I applied for food stamps. While it was a bit of a hit to my pride, I know it was a necessity right now. It will be nice not to have to worry about where our next food will be coming from. I'm hoping there will be no major hoops to jump through... I'm sure we'll be fine. I'll be awaiting their call this week.

Somehow in all the chaos we have managed to keep our phones and net on. Those are important.. we lost them for two days but managed to scrape enough money together to put them back on. I have faith that we'll find ways to keep our electric on and water.. although I do have fleeting moments of worry that we'll be shut off.

Hubby is looking for a job in earnest. I wish it was a little more frantic but I know this is how he wants to do this. I know he has to do it his way otherwise he will dread the whole process. This is a positive. I'm certain he will find something and soon.

Just as I'm holding on to certainty that we will sell our land. We desperately need to sell it.. and it hasn't sold yet but it's listed again. It has many things one looks for in mountain land.. I guess it's just waiting for the right person. (hurry up person! we could really use your money!)

If I needed to, I could potentially go to probate court and use some of Kyle's money to keep our house. There are always options... one just needs to look. I spoke to Ky about this and he said that he was ok with the idea. That staying in our home, was most important to him right now. Sometimes my little boy (not so little anymore), is so wise. Hubby does not want to use his money but when I suggested we could always pay him back when we are more on our feet, made him rethink the option.

I've thought of so many things recently.. directions we could go, things we can do. I hope this is just a blip... and often repeat to myself like a mantra, we'll be ok. we'll be ok. we'll be ok. If I say it enough, it will come true! Right? Right.

Oh.. and if by chance, we do lose our home.. we have somewhere to go. My grandparent's would not let us live in our car. Even though it will be a tight fit, we could stay with them for the time being. I hope it doesn't come to that. I plan to fight it with every fiber of my being... We've worked hard for this and I refuse to just give up on it so easily. :)

♥

Times are Tough

I often forgot what a personal tool a blog can be. Journaling has always helped me vent things out in the past and now that I am on the computer more I don't usually write in one. I suppose that is what a blog really is to me.

Times are tough right now for everybody. My husband has been out of work for over a year now... at first I figured he just needed time to wind down from the stress of his previous job, which he did need. Then, when he started looking in earnest for a job, there was nothing available. Nothing. It's still that way. We were ok at first, we had his 401k money and while times were hard we had food and were able to pay the mortgage and bills.

Well, now the 401k money has run out, unemployment is up in the air and there are still no jobs! Our cabinets are almost bare and the cable was shut off, the electric company keeps threatening us, I'm about to lose my internet and we're behind on the mortgage. Did I mention all of the credit card companies that call us daily, all day long? They are very annoying.. bordering on harassing and don't seem to want to listen to our woes.

Of course, we can't just take any job out there. We need a job that will pay our bills and feed our family. What does one do in a situation like this? We have tried to sell the land that we bought just in case we needed it. We were hoping to enjoy it a few times before it came to this point but really... we've never been able to afford to get out there. We've listed it on ebay (and paid their crazy fees!) 3 times to no avail. We could probably sell it back to the company we bought it from but lose a lot of money in the process.

We actually live quite frugally and always have.. but there is only so far you can stretch things. I can say, right now, I'm glad we use cloth diapers and the little one is still nursing. She's still getting what she needs from me.

Saturday was my little boy's birthday. It was actually a great day... I woke up and made him the cake he requested. Chocolate with strawberries inside and chocolate frosting. A dear friend offered to buy us pizza to celebrate and no words can express the gratitude I feel that we have such loving people in our life, that would help make his day even more special.

Yeah, times are hard... but I'm hoping we see our way through this. I really can't wait to be on the other side, nodding my head and smiling at the test of faith we just had. Each day is a rebirth (as another dear friend is often fond of reminding me) and I'm hoping whatever it is I'm supposed to learn through this challenge presents itself soon. I'm trying to keep my head up... some days I really feel like giving up. I'm not sure where this river is leading me but I hope it's to calmer waters soon.