Lots on my mind as we enter into the week. Hubby's interview last Wednesday went rather well. They were very impressed with his resume, his previous work history and wanted him to come in on Friday for a trial run. Friday went pretty well as well but we won't know anything further until sometime this week. Patience is definitely not my strong suit but I feel oddly at peace and calm about it all. I'm desperate for them to accept him as I feel this company is a perfect fit for him. The past couple of job ventures he's come across were new things, scammy type jobs that were a terrible fit and I think probably plunged him further into a funk about our situation. The fact that the interview went so well and he received massive recognition for his work history has really boosted him up again. So, I'm really just hoping this happens and it's what we've been praying for.

I can't say I've been very on top of my job, either. The house has fallen to pieces as I've been in my own funk. I've been here before and it's so hard to pull myself out of it. I am trying desperately to come up with a plan to get the house back under control because it's not fair to any of my family to live this way. Thank goodness Hubby has been picking up the slack and it's not as bad as it could be... I don't know why I let it get this far before I take a step back and realize what is going on. Pffbbt. Nothing stays the same so I am taking from that and aiming to change.

It's going to be a great week...

I'm going to write about this and hope not to jinx it... I suppose if something is meant to be, it will happen regardless of sharing before it happens, right? I guess I'm slightly superstitious in that regard.

My husband has been unemployed for over 2.5 years. It's been a looooooooooong 2.5 years. Some aspects have been great, awesome even... others, yeah, not so much. The past 6 months we have been without unemployment at all. So essentially no income. I keep telling myself that no one, not even a financial planning wizard could have planned for this.. the economy crash or job market in such sad shape. My husband has quite literally applied for hundreds of jobs, from positions that make over 80k a year to a dog washer position making minimum wage. Nothing. He's had a few badly matched jobs in the past couple years, one downright scammy. I won't lie, it's been beyond hard.

His self worth plummeted to amazing lows, which I'm sure you can imagine.. rejection after rejection after rejection can make even the most self assured person depressed. I have told him repeatedly that it will happen, when the time is right the proper door will open. Sadly, we are going to lose our house because the right door has taken just a little too long but I think we've made peace with it. Anyway, I digress... always off on another ramble...

I have been his personal secretary lately because he is just so discouraged with the job hunting process. I decided I would send out his resumes, fit him with the perfect job. He is still looking but not to the degree I am. I hesitate to say my once computer savvy hubby has been surpassed by his even more computer savvy wifey. Craigslist has been my venue... I look daily, I send out resumes to places that fit his skills. I figure something has to pan out and we've received more response from these places than anywhere else. Last week he was contacted by one business and asked to fill out an application for employment... we haven't heard back yet but I'm hopeful. Today he was asked to come in for an interview. An interview!!!! I'm friggin' excited! This is more than we've seen in over 2 years of looking. So if you have some extra positivity to spare, please send it our way.. I'm definitely hopeful.

What makes a day special?

Today is Mother's Day... and usually I feel kinda low about it, I think it's an unwritten rule in our marriage book that we don't get each other stuff for holidays and birthdays. It's not that either of us (my husband and I) don't care to do that for each other, we just usually focus on making sure the kids are taken care of. Being a large family there's usually very little left for fun. The past few years have been really tight financially and so I try not to caught up in all the hullabaloo for these sorts of holidays.

Really though? Gifts and fancy stuff isn't what Mother's Day is supposed to be about. Today is about honoring your mother, the one who gave you life or perhaps the one who gave all of her love to you, raised you... kissed your owies, took care of you while you were ill, etc. There's no gift in the world that can compare to what a Mother gives of herself. So anyway, given our pretty crappy financial situation (and some sad news yesterday) I just decided to let go of any and all expectations and enjoy the little things in life.

My baby's smile, my little girl's giggle, my boys words and expressions of love... those things matter more to me than anything else in this world. Today I planted flowers haphazardly in my backyard.. not caring how they were planted, essentially just tossing seeds into the dirt with a smile. Today I took a nap with my baby and enjoyed the few moments of snuggles that she will allow because she is finding her mobility and ready to explore the world. I enjoyed a dinner with my family, cooked by my most wonderful husband. I enjoyed the sunshine caressing my face and the breeze blowing through my hair. I'd say it was a perfect day! Nothing necessarily out of the ordinary but a day to certainly remember and enjoy.

Soon my babies will all be sleeping, snuggly and warm... it's amazing to think that not all that long ago they were as little as their baby sister is right now. It goes so fast but being a Mother is the most precious gift life has ever offered me.

Little Miss is planning her birthday already. She'll be 4 in August but has already requested a butterfly cake. Quite adamantly! I can remember when my birthday held such magic for me... and I love to see that in her. It's like a tiny, little piece of me carried on. I mean, I know she's half my dna and looks a heckuva lot like me but sometimes it's nice to see those little bits of yourself shine through.

She's recently had such a leap in her personality. She's always been full of personality but her vocabulary has recently jumped to lots of words and complete sentences. Her funny mispronunciations are few and far between, though some people still have a difficult time understanding her completely. I always feel like I have to interpret for her and perhaps I should step back from that role a bit and let her communicate effectively for herself.

She amazes me daily with her nurturing mannerisms. She's so very good with the baby, all babies really. When we go to LLL meetings she strokes the babies heads and talks gently to them. She really is so gentle. She tells everybody she can about her baby and is just so charming. Am I gushing enough about her??

It was 4 years ago that I found out I was having a girl. After 3 boys we desperately wanted a baby girl. I think Hubby and I both wanted that experience of raising a girl. I can remember when I first found out she was a girl there was such a rush of intense emotions, they were overwhelming. At first, I was ecstatic! I couldn't believe that we had finally created a girl. After that rush wore off I can remember feeling panicked that we had finally created a girl. My relationship with my mother and other mother figures in my life is so complicated, I was terrified that I was going to somehow mess her up. It's kind of funny to think back now because really all she needs is my love. And I give it, in abundance.

Our birthdays are two days apart. Sometimes when I look at her and see myself I think of how I was at her age. The things I was experiencing in my life and I'm sure that will continue as she ages. I didn't have a mother anymore when I was 3.5 and I really don't know how I survived without her but I did. Our bond is so strong, so powerful and I think she couldn't possibly manage in a world without me but I guess that is rather egotistical to think I am the sun, the moon, and the stars to her... but really I am. I love that I had a girl, 2 girls. I look forward to the wisdom they will share with me as we grow together.

I had this super awesome post about my recent epiphany... and blogger crashed and the interwebs ate it. Sadness... indeed. Anyway, I think everybody should take a minute (realy!! that's all it takes!) to read this very awesome article about unschooling.

Zero Tuition College/Unschooling

It really cemented some ideas for me. I've been in such a funk/rut about where we have been heading in regards to schooling (or lack thereof) our kids. I've really embraced the unschooler label but I think it took reading this and noticing that hey!! this IS exactly what we are doing. Or more so, what I am encouraging my children to do.

My oldest is greatly passionate about music and he just happened to be learning to play Carol of the Bells (all initiated by him after watching a Family Guy episode where Peter Griffin hums it and my son thought hey! that would sound AWESOME on the electric guitar) on his guitar. I feel he has an awesome talent and I don't say that just because I'm his mother and I'm supposed to. When it comes down to it, I'm a musical snob. If I don't like the sound of something or if it doesn't sound original to me I turn my nose up. LOL

We've heard the gamut of ideas about our lifestyle, especially in regards to my almost 16 year old. How will he amount to anything if he doesn't go to school? What about high school, these are the best years of his life and he should experience high school!! What about college!? How will he get a job and be successful if you let him sleep until 2pm every day? Fact of the matter is... if it's important to him, he'll get up. If he wants to succeed I'm giving him the tools (hopefully!) to do things he's passionate about instead of passing along skills he may or may not need to just eek by.

I realized I've always been an unschooler.. I mean, the label always resonated with me but it took an external source to point out the obvious. Even when I was schooled (and yes, you can send your children to school and still unschool) I was ever seeking my own passions. Mostly in the form of devouring books with such a voracious appetite that expanded and branched to a myriad of topics. I learned a lot from my books... things that even though they were fiction based, I still probably use in my day to day dealings with other people and I'm not talking social skills. :D And I'm still that way though the internet is now my format of choice. At any given moment I have 30+ tabs open in my browser with all sorts of information to devour as I go through my day. I often will come across a tab with a website that I had forgotten about and my interests are stirred all over again.

I'm like a sponge and so are my children. I want to give them more than I had. I want them to embrace their passions and follow them to the end (or hey! even the beginnings of something new!) So anyway, I encourage you to check that article out and let the ideas marinade for awhile. :)

And here I am again... months have passed and I forget about my blog though it is ever persistent in my brain. I thought I would maybe post about the birth of my baby girl 5.5 months ago.

November 13th, 2010 I woke around 3am to pee. I made my way back up the stairs and laid down, I was tired but unable to drift off comfortable. I put Married with Children on Netflix and watched that for a bit. I was just starting to drift off when I had my first contraction. It made my eyes snap open and I thought, hmmm... this is different but I wasn't placing too much emphasis on it because I had been having a lot of prodromal labor over the past few weeks. I closed my eyes again seeking some rest, I knew that she would be coming soon and knew I would need all the rest I could get. About a half hour later I had another wave that brought me to awareness... it was very different and I knew that something was going on. I laid watching TV, trying to get comfortable and within the half hour felt another one. It was at this time that I went downstairs to tell my husband that I thought that I was in the early stages of labor. I told him that I wasn't getting my hopes up but that these contractions felt different and that I remembered this 'pain' from our previous children.

He came upstairs, excited but exhausted. He fell asleep while I attempted to concentrate through my contractions (side note: I think I placed too much focus, too early on actually finally going into labor on my own.) I should have found something to busy myself but I was tired and made my way to the couch to relax. About 5am my very intuitive little girl came down to sit with me. She asked to nurse but my body was very on edge and uncomfortable overall, so I said not right now. I tried to rest with her but both of us knew something was happening within my body... so we watched a Disney movie together.

It was around 7:30am when I called my mother and told her that I was most definitely in labor. She bickered with me a bit saying she wasn't sure I was really in labor yet. I knew I was for many reasons. Though there was definite excitement in her voice. She said she would try and find a ride out to me. Around 9am she came and I was grateful, taking care of my little girl while I was uncomfortable just wasn't cutting it for me. We chatted for a bit, she made eggs and I bounced around on my birth ball. Things were starting to definitely get more and more uncomfortable.

I showered and woke my husband up. I told him it was definitely the day. I was ready. Around 11:30 both my husband and my mom were rubbing my back while I leaned across the birth ball. It was so relaxing my contractions eased up and slowly petered out. My mother was timing them to my frustration and kept saying to me that I wasn't in real labor yet. I moved downstairs at this time and cuddled up to my little girl, I dozed while my body mercifully gave me a rest. My body knew I was tired and it wasn't ready to move forward with anything until I had some rest. After about 45 minutes of resting things started to pick up again. I gave random updates on a few of the forums I belong to.

I then moved upstairs. My other children were roaming about the house freely, I showered periodically. I find it amusing that my oldest who most definitely did NOT want to be here while I labored came home from a long weekend with his great grandparents the very day (unexpectedly no less) that I went into labor. I kept trying to get comfortable but couldn't. It seemed no matter how I sat, laid, or stood I just wasn't comfortable. I wanted to move and started pacing and squatting. Hoping to push things along. My mother kept wanting me to lay down on my back or my side, she kept timing things and finally I told her enough. That this wasn't the labor I wanted, I didn't want to time things or be told how frequent, infrequent, regular or irregular my contractions were. I was going to just focus on how I was in labor and let things progress naturally like they should. In hindsight I probably should have educated her on exactly what sort of support I wanted... but I don't know that she would have heard me anyway.

As the day progressed so did my labor. I couldn't focus on much more than what my body was doing. Through each contraction my amazing husband massaged and rubbed and supported me implicitly. When I told him that I didn't feel I could keep doing this he told me that my body was designed to do this and that we would see this out to the end, together. He was awesome.

Around 11pm my mother decided to go home, a friend of mine drove her and then came to sit with us for a bit. I was squatting a lot at this time to help bring baby down into the birth canal. I could feel her, that it was getting close. I was super fascinated with what my body was doing... I had show and mucous flowing from me and while I focused on that the pain wasn't too bad. This happened when I miscarried as well... it was like falling into my head, focusing on something physical. It was around this time that my water broke and I decided to listen to baby's heart tones. Baby sounded good and I tried to lose the vibe that my mother had left behind.

I started to feel pushy, so I squatted down for a bit. There was a little blood and this happened to make my friend a little nervous. I wasn't worried yet but I think my husband internalized the fear. I asked if we could be alone for a bit. I stood up, he held me and we rocked for a bit. I got a really intense pushy pressure while I was standing there and he held my arms while my body pushed a bit on it's own. Blood poured down my legs, it wasn't a lot but enough that both of us felt a little concerned. We decided at that point it was probably best to head to the closest hospital.

I listened to the baby's heart tones one more time before we left. She was in the 160s, doing good. The ride to the hospital was hellacious. I felt every little pebble in the road, every bump jostled me in such a way that I went very deep within myself to avoid feeling it. We got to the hospital and it took forever to walk in. I had contraction after contraction as we were making our way. The weather had been warm up until this night where it had turned bitterly cold. I was barely dressed, had thrown a blanket over myself and wound up rocking through each contraction with my husband's arms around me. As I crossed through the door I hollered, Help! Someone help me please! When a man came around the corner I opened the blanket and showed him the blood that had ran down my legs, he rapidly called an orderly who wheeled over a wheel chair. They were asking me a million questions at this point and I wasn't really prepared for any of this. I, at this time, had no insurance and had administered my own prenatal care. Not something the hospital sees every day, I guess.

I was wheeled up to labor and delivery. The room was abuzz with activity and voices and I can remember as we were entering that I was sad because this was NOT how I had intended to bring my beautiful baby into the world. I let it go as quickly as I felt it because I knew it would be counterintuitive to the whole process at that point.

I was told to get on the bed and lay on my back, something I had not been able to do since 3am the following day. I kept telling the nurse that I was trying... that I wanted to comply but that I was very uncomfortable and wasn't sure exactly how I would do that. I sat down and popped back up again a few times before psyching myself into actually laying down. The nurse stressed how important it was to find the baby's heart tones. I told her I had recently listened to baby and that they were fine when we left. She proceeded to grill me on how I was able to listen.. How did you hear the baby's heart tones? I used a doppler. How did you get a doppler?? I bought one. And on and on with silly irrelevant questions. When is your due date? It was November 7th, I'm exactly 41 weeks today. Well how you could you possibly know your due date?? You didn't have an ultrasound. Uh... apparently I can count, I guess that's unheard of since technology stepped into the birthing process?

It was around this time that the doctor came in, lugging an ultrasound machine behind him. I was laying on my back and hoping the best as he squirted gel onto my belly. I asked him if the baby was ok and he snapped at me that he wasn't sure, that the u/s machine was not the best in terms of imaging. He proceeded to tell me he had to make sure baby wasn't breech (had he asked me I could have told him she was definitely NOT breech and that she was on my right side, head down in a good position... but what do I know, I don't have a doctorate degree.) and to make sure there wasn't a placental abruption (something that DID concern me, I could tell through doppler tones that the placenta was on my left side but wasn't sure just how far down it was. For all intents and purposes the placenta can be all over the place and I was worried that perhaps a finger of the placenta was near my cervix). He didn't say much and was rather gruff in how he handled my body. He shoved his hand into my vagina to 'determine how far I was' and said the bleeding just meant I was complete. 9cms and ready to push. He stabbed a monitor into baby's head at this point and I felt her startle inside me. That was when he told me she was in distress (ya think?) and that she needed to come out immediately. They proceeded to chant push, push, push and all I could think of in that moment was I don't have an urge to push at all and now I'm purple pushing. This was not what I wanted, what I envisioned.

I was threatened with a c-section, abused further. My husband wasn't informed of ANYTHING this doctor did to my body. I was pushing best I could but I really had zero urge. I then felt an odd sensation, like my pubic bone was breaking in half and I thought oh ring of fire.... but then I felt the doctor doing something to me and my legs shot out in fight or flight mode. It was horrible. Then threw my legs back and yelled at me that I needed to do this NOW OR I WOULD GET A CSECTION!!! The doctor had placed a vacuum on baby's head and was yanking her out of me, my body did not have time to properly open and that was the 'ring of fire' that I was feeling. I felt defeated at this time. I pushed with all of my might to get this over and done with, so I could finally meet my baby.

The doctor finally freed her from my body and she was whisked away. He yanked my placenta out (a huge NONO) and then shoved his whole hand inside of me to 'make sure he got everything', he was stitching me up with no pain medication when I asked what gender the baby was. Is it a boy or a girl?? The doctor snarkily said, girl. I was amazed, I grew another baby girl... a sister for Sissy and the boys. My husband went to meet his baby girl for the first time and came back to my bedside to tell me she was so beautiful. I was so relieved to have her Earthside, whole and beautiful. She weighed 9lbs 5oz and was just perfect.

I have some negative feelings about the way she came into the world but I can not change that. I had the most peaceful pregnancy and labor. I'm so glad she is here and a part of our family. She really is such a blessing and a joy, my little sunshine. She looks almost identical to her big brother Peanut. And she a happy little lark so long as she is attached to me. I really couldn't ask for more... my hands are full but so is my heart.