The Sound of Sunshine

one two three, uhuh

i wake up in the morning its six o'clock
they say there may be rain but the sun is hot
i wish i had some time just to kill today
and i wish i had a dime for every bill i've got to pay
some days you lose you win
and the water's as high as the times your in
so i just back in there where i learned to swim
try to keep my head above it the best i can
that's why,

here i am, waiting for this storm to pass my by
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down

one two three, uhuh

i saw my friend bobby i said "what's up man"
you got a little work or twenty to lend
i opened up my hand he said "i'm glad to see
they can take away my job but not my friends"

here i am, waiting for the storm to pass my by
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down

i wanna go where the summer never ends
with my guitar on the beach there with all my friends
the suns so hot and the waves in motion
and everything smells like sun tan lotion
the ocean, and the girls so sweet
so kick off your shoes and relax your feet
they say that miracles are never seizing
and every single soul needs a little releasing
the stereo bumpin till the sun goes down
and i only wanna hear that sound

that's the sound of sunshine coming down
that's the sound of sunshine coming down

i said you're the one i wanna be with
when the sun goes down
i said you're the one i wanna be with
when the sun goes down
singin you're the one i wanna be with
when the sun goes down

that's the sound of sunshine coming down
that's the sound of sunshine coming down

I Hate When the Phone Rings Before I'm Awake.

My Papa was hurt this morning. :( I was laying in bed rather late... and I heard the distinct ring of the phone that I have set for my grandparent's number. I attempted to hobble out of bed fast as I could (which isn't too fast anymore), of course I didn't make it to the phone before the ringing stopped.

My cousin answered when I called back, she told me papa fell from the top of the porch this morning. Apparently he had taken her dog out for a walk and the dog pulled him down the stairs quicker than he could grab his footing. :( He's got a fractured foot and some bumps and bruises.

On the positive side, it's not his ankle. An ankle is hard to heal even if you are young and healthy, I can't imagine the ramifications of a broken ankle in an elderly person. It's probably just as bad as breaking a hip. It's just a fracture... which I know sometimes a fracture is worse than a break but really there's less to heal. It may be more painful in some ways but he's got some good pain meds. He hit his head but it was the last thing that hit, so it didn't take the force of the impact entirely. He was also wearing a hat which protected his head, so he's only a little skunned up. He said something about his back hurting (probably from being wrenched down the stairs so forcefully)but by the time they got into the emergency room he wasn't that bothered by the back.

I'm certain he'll be fine. He has this amazing indomitable spirit, so much love from family and friends... so much support. He'll make it through this, but my heart hurts because he's hurt and it takes awhile to heal. He was just getting back into working and really enjoying the jobs he had. He's been teaching my big guy how to do so many things. I hope this is just a drop in the bucket for him and doesn't take him all that long to heal, really.

Unhindered.

I'm getting really uncomfortable lately.. the pelvic pain is starting to wear on me as is the sciatica and just general discomfort. It's hard to move, it's hard to get up and hard to get down. I'm trying not to get lost in the discomfort, it's counterproductive and will prevent me from focusing on the end. I know this.

Today, this morning, I had cramps that were 5-7 minutes apart for about an hour. Hubby was starting to get excited and asked me if today was the day... not yet, honey! It's much too soon! After a tall glass of water and a nice hot shower they petered out and while I've definitely had more of them than usual today, I've had no cervical changes that I can tell.

I'm just hoping that all goes well with my birth. My mom wants to come over tomorrow to talk about the things I want, my beliefs, etc. She'd really make a good doula (I think) and there's a part of me that's very much at peace with this decision. I know she'll be supportive, she's never necessarily been a mother to me but she's always, always been supportive of my choices, lifestyle, etc. She's always been my cheerleader and believed in me even when I've had a hard time believing in myself.

I guess I'm just feeling a little introspective right now... I am ready to meet this babe but know it's not time yet. I feel very little anxiety over it all, my biggest concern is the ability to go into labor on my own but I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. Unhindered. Truly the way birth should be.

School.

Recently K has expressed a displeasure with our unschooling lifestyle. He's requested to go back to public school and I'm really struggling with the idea. I feel so strongly, so firmly against the public school system that I just can't fathom sending him back... essentially to fail.

K is not dumb, he just hasn't realized yet that he is and has always been a non-conformist. I can remember a 3rd grade meeting with the school, the social worker and her people, the teacher... and them saying to me (spitting it out at me, really) that K was a non-conformist. I looked at them totally perplexed at the disdain they were showing over this label. Really? Is being a non-conformist so bad? Apparently to the public school model it is.

How I wish I could go back to first grade with him and take him out then. How I wish I could have just followed my gut that was screaming that this IS wrong and just do it rather than listening to family who told me that I would never have the patience to keep my kids home. I do feel I had a lot of growing to do before I could keep the kids home but I think I would have rose to the challenge quite gracefully. I hate that I had to blindly follow because that's just what someone does... all kids go to school, homeschoolers are strange, etc.

I know someone is whispering in his ear, telling him that in order to make anything in this life he MUST get his high school diploma. He MUST comply to the standards that 'everybody else' had to go through in order to get anywhere. I know someone is in his ear telling him that he will get a scholarship to go to college... and I know someone has taken the very idea of 'school' and made him believe that it's all art and music and sports. I have tried explaining that it isn't but it's hard to tell somebody something they don't want to hear.

For now we are at a standstill. He's agreed to stay home and I'm desperately seeking opportunities for him that will somehow stimulate his non-conformity and encourage his artistic flair. His love of all music and his appeal to 'fit' in. I know in the end he'll be just fine. He will because he's my beautiful music man, non-conforming artiste. ;)

Always Learning

Today I was reminded how truly far I have come as a parent...

I have spanked my children, really my child. My K and I grew up together, essentially. I really did not know how to parent gently because I was not parented gently and so he was spanked as a little guy. I'm not sure when I realized that it really doesn't work.. that it's what you do when you lash out at someone in anger and that it's really just extremely ineffective. What was I teaching him??

I wish I could take those moments back, but I can't. I can't live in my past only in the here and now... I thought about it on the ride home and realized he was spanked the most and with each child I've had I've used that 'tool' less and less. I'm not perfect and have lost it, even recently, but I do go back and apologize and say I'm in the wrong. I think that's even more important... that my children see me as human, not impervious to making mistakes.

Anyway. I'm proud of myself. Not proud that I was a spanker but proud that I realized that it doesn't work and have found other, more effective ways to 'discipline' my children. I'm always learning on this journey called being a parent. :) I hope I never stop.

You know it's so often that I start these blogs and let them slide... slipping into oblivion. Like they serve a purpose and I taint them somehow with negativity and have to distance myself even further.

I don't want that to happen with this blog, this was supposed to be my blog about love and growth and life.

About a month after my last post I conceived again. How odd.. how strange, that I would go from not really sure that I want another, omg I'm pregnant!!, miscarriage to knowing for sure I am meant to have another baby.

I'm currently 8 months pregnant and all appears to be going well. I've decided to be surprised at birth so I have no idea if I'm carrying another little boy or another girl. Most days I feel 'boy' but then I have distinct 'girl' feelings other days. S is pretty adamant that mommy is having a girl. I think either gender will be nice. :)

My miscarriage definitely changed how I view pregnancy, in good ways and bad. I have needed a little more reassurance this time around... I've relied quite heavily on my doppler. I didn't need that form of reassurance with my previous pregnancies but it's nice to know that there really is someone in there and that someone has a beautiful, strong and healthy heart. I don't listen as often now as I did before I felt movement...

I love the shape of my body while pregnant, I feel like a goddess. Round and full of life. Happy, growing, glowing. I'm practicing patience, it's a daily exercise for me because if there is one thing I'm lacking it's patience. I've never been very patient and I think that was my downfall with my daughter... I was not ready to go past the 'safe zone' of 42 weeks, I was not ready for her to decide to come in her own time. Even though I knew... she always has does things in her own time, even with an induced labor... she made me wait a full 24 hours before her arrival. Almost as if to punish me for trying to evict her before she was ready.

I hope to start writing regularly again... I always feel my best when I'm journaling.

My favorite pic thus far in this pregnancy.

Last Sunday in January

It's been awhile... yeah. famous last words from me.

This weekend my brother stayed over. He's K's age. It puts me in a funny spot because I have to deal with my mother, and right now we're not speaking all because I said I would pick up my brother and realized after I said that (3 months ago!!) that I had no gas in the car. It was fine, we managed to get him over and back home, she is still holding that grudge. Claiming I perpetrated it and wanted it that way. Yeah. Whatever. So tonight I was forced to bring my brother home because I did not want some random anybody to pick him up. Inevitably when I pulled up to the apartment complex there was my mother walking down the stairs with the dog. Ugh! I told my brother I really didn't want to deal with my mom... and she gave pause as soon as she saw me, too. A part of me is really annoyed (and hurt) that she didn't come running out to talk to me. (Aren't I childish?) It's really not ME who has the problem... it's HER. I won't apologize for some perceived fuck up that I know wasn't on purpose. Of all the things to get pissed about. ahem.. I digress.

So yeah, I'm a little bothered that she didn't come out anyway and force me to deal with her. It might have gotten us over this hurdle... or it might not. I'm in such a weird place emotionally right now. Very prickly and sensitive. As I was leaving the apartment parking lot it dawned on me that woman has never been there for me when I truly, truly needed her. Never in my times of grief, never in the times I've fallen and needed a helping hand. And really I just want to say, Fuck that! (and I really feel like this broken record... so and so wasn't there for me when I needed them. wah wah)

On a lighter note... I've become quite the housewife the past two weeks. My kitchen is clean, my living room is clean, my bathroom is clean and all the bedrooms are in some semblance of order. If someone just popped in tomorrow, I wouldn't be mortified to let them in. I like this... and I hope I stick with it.

Jan 4 2010

I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. I suppose the miscarriage spurred that on... I've always been a why, why, why person though. I love a good puzzle. I'm also a bit neurotic. lol

Today started off a good day... then went to shit in a matter of moments. I wanted to do an art lesson with the kids today. I feel like we need a little more structure to our days, not necessarily a schedule but something to fill our time rather than mindless hours of internet gaming and social sites. I chose mandalas as I thought it would be fun and not a lot of pressure. Ha!

It started with the printer and my computer not feeling very compatible for a few moments which left me a little frazzled. Then Sage girl decided she had to potty and sat on her seat with the lid down, pee EVERYWHERE. Then Ky had his box of dye that he has been carrying around for the past day flashing me with every time he catches my eye. Dammit kid! I'll dye your hair when I get there. I had finally got every thing I wanted together after numerous interruptions (feeling like I wanted to SCREAM) and I lost it. The kids were bickering, chattering, sneering, glaring... the noise was too much for me.. and then my oldest copped a 'tude. Really what I wanted to do was knock out his teeth (really.. i promise i'm a nice mommy) but instead I snapped at him verbally. Which led to my husband laughing at me which was just the wrong thing to do at this point in time. I pinched the back of his arm in frustration, hard enough to leave a bruise... and instantly felt terrible. Why do I forget to breathe in these sort of situations?! We went about coloring the mandalas which was somewhat relaxing, everybody was done before me. Including Sage, who proceeded to get whiny and then turned into a sniveling mess which brought along some more irritation. Urgh!

It was after I got her down for a nap that my stomach cued hunger pains. Like OW pains. Duh! I hadn't eaten yet... and apparently my body still really needs at least 3 meals/day. I felt a lot better after I ate... and even better after I finished my mandala while watching a funny comedian. Laughter is good for the soul.

Sage woke up and I decided I was going to go to the library by myself. As I was wandering around the non-fiction section, I let my body lead the way... I wound up stopping at the Reiki section. I had to chuckle... for real? I think the Universe was sending me a message... a big one. The book that stuck out was called Self-Healing with Reiki. Totally curious now, so I grabbed it. I also scored and picked up Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and a new Tarot book. So I have some reading material now... maybe that will help me to relax?

I hate bad Mommy days. I feel awful for how irritable I was today... not to mention how not so nice of a wife I was. Oops? Luckily my family is rather forgiving? If I was nicer I would have cooked a nice dinner but I was tired and Hubby had thrown in stuffed peppers while I was at the library. Lucky me. They tasted terrible (boxed meal) but it was sweet of him to try. He also made the kids jello.