It's complete.
Dec. 18 ~started spotting pink. I felt really disturbed by the sight and cried a bit. This was so not what I was expecting.
Dec. 19 ~spotting seemed to have tapered off some, turned brown. Was still bothered by it but thought maybe it was just nothing, a fluke.
Dec. 20 ~had more spotting, was brown and red. That evening I had my first trickle of red blood. I thought for sure this was it. No cramping or discomfort there.
Dec. 21 ~thought things might be ok, still had some hope that maybe it was nothing.. or something perhaps placental. It seemed the bleeding occurred every evening between 6 and 8pm.
Dec. 22 ~I think the bleeding started earlier today. Seemed like there was always blood whenever I wiped but it wasn't flowing out of me. Still not really cramping or uncomfortable.
Dec. 23 ~Woke up really not feeling well. I went to fun club and just didn't feel right. I felt weak and shaky. I came home, on the drive home I felt really crampy. I took a nap and felt something odd in my butt, was very uncomfortable. Bleeding picked up a little but still nothing massive.
Dec. 24 ~Went to my mother in laws for Christmas. Ate lots of protein type foods. I had a plate full of deviled eggs, chicken strips and a deli sandwich. My body decided that's what it needed to get things really going. I started cramping and I could feel it coming in waves. It was really starting to get uncomfortable around the time we started opening gifts. I told my husband that I felt like we should go soon. I really wasn't feeling well. I stood up to leave and a bunch of clots and blood came pouring out of me. I was grateful it wasn't all over but I did have to run to the bathroom and swap things out. We left shortly after because I did not want to do this anywhere but home. The whole car ride I could feel waves of pain, it was very similar to active labor and I was moaning through some of the pains. We got home and the little one had fallen asleep in the car, thank goodness because I really was stuck in the bathroom. Lots of clots came out at this point and the pain was pretty intense. It was bearable.. but intense. I really felt at ease with this process by this point. Up until now.. I was teary and emotional every time I thought about it but at that point I embraced it. My body was doing what it knew needed to be done. I was trusting the process to happen naturally and it did. Things slowed down considerably. I was able to clean myself up a bit and the bathroom some.. throw a pad on and EAT. I was hungry. and thirsty. After I ate, I had one more episode where i was stuck to the toilet.... then I was able to just relax. I was tired but felt pretty good. I think in part I was amazed at the process.. which probably sounds very strange for some. I started thinking about Christmas and how my poor babies had nothing to open Christmas morning. I felt bad about this.. and decided that I felt well enough to run out to Wal-Mart to get each of them a few things. I was trying to take it easy while there, but a few times I felt a little woozy. I got home after being there for about an hour and felt like I needed to pee. I sat down and pushed a little and plop, out came the placenta. I had a look at it.. amazed that my body created this and sustained it for a few weeks. I have read many miscarriage stories recently and so many women found comfort in keeping their placentas, I decided before all of this happened that I wanted to do the same. So I had another good look.. I could see the gestational sac and even a tiny babe floating around inside of it. The baby was about the size of a sesame seed.. I think it had stopped developing around 6ish weeks which is around the time that I just felt like something was off. I put the placenta in a bag and will bury it in the spring. Goodbye my beautiful sweet babe.. I'm sorry I wasn't able to nurture you for very long, you were very, very loved and wanted and I thank you for showing me that my body is not broken and knows what to do when given time to complete the process on my own.
I truly felt like this was a huge learning experience for me. I also feel like I should probably feel devastated... but I'm actually very much at peace with things. I want another babe.. and so does my husband, we might actually try for one this time instead of allowing it to just happen. A part of me feels like this babe's purpose was to show me... he/she was such a surprise to me. Usually I have this feeling like a babe is knocking at the door so to speak. It was just all so unusual. I really miss being pregnant though.. and was so looking forward to my belly growing round, Sage being a big sister and having a little one to grow with. I really wanted this but I know it was not the right time in my heart. Hopefully I'm blessed to experience another babe in this lifetime, a babe from my womb.
Love and light on this Christmas day. I'm healing physically.. emotionally I'm sound.
No comments:
Post a Comment