raw

goodbye baby. i never thought this would happen to me.. i never thought my body would fail me so badly. it's an answer.. but it's not really the one i was hoping for. my heart hurts. i wanted this baby. i wanted to grow round and celebrate my body. i wanted a homebirth. i wanted sage to have a little baby to grow up with.

i think i knew a few weeks ago. i panicked when my symptoms seemed to just disappear overnight. i'd never experienced that before. i had grown somewhat complacent with my new norm and thought things were just going differently this time. all of my pregnancies have been very different. then on friday, the 18th i started to lightly spot. it was pink mucous that went to brown.. that lasted a couple days. on sunday i had my first drop of red blood. i thought oh great, this is it but things didn't quite pick up from there. so i settled into thinking maybe it's just something placental.. maybe it's nothing. maybe it will just stop. god so many fucking maybes. i'm angry at those maybes. i'm pissed at them for not coming true. fuck you maybes. and yet.. i still have more.. maybe i'm just losing a twin, maybe it's not what i think it is.. maybe hope.

things really picked up this evening. my bleeding had gotten a little heavier yesterday, and there was more today. i just felt off today. totally off, it must have been apparent because a few people pointed it out at our homeschool group. once i settled in i felt a little better, probably because my mind was off of it. when i got home i napped with my sage girl, was woke with a crisis and dealt with that. when i went to the bathroom the next time there was a lot of clotty stuff and my back has been hurting. it's not too bad yet.. but i guess it will get worse. i feel raw emotionally. merry fuckin' christmas to me... bitter.