new years eve

After feeling pretty good about things I didn't think after a week my emotions would come crashing at me so hard. I'm sad.. and empty today. It's been a week, a week since my womb was occupied. I'm not sure how to heal this and I'm not sure it will ever go away. I feel like I learned so much from this experience but that it was such a teaser.. I desperately want another baby, but why. I'm sad that it likely won't happen right away.

I also wonder why I want to keep having kids. Why do I feel like I'm trying to fix something within myself each pregnancy and when will I learn that I can not change the past? I can not make my mother be a mother to me, but I can be a mother to my kids. I can not make my childhood any easier but I can make theirs gentler. I can not force a relationship to happen with my mother or my stepmother but I can foster a truly loving relationship with my daughter. I can not heal my birth experiences through another. So will another baby change these things, fill the void? no, not likely.

I guess it seems odd to ask these questions and I feel like I'm talking in circles lately. Anyway, I asked a psychic if there was another baby and if so, when? And her response I guess really triggered me to question.. though the feelings were there long before the questions.

I don't want to end the year on such a sad note.. though it was a rather shitty year and I'm more than happy to see it go. I want to look for some positives... looking forward. I want to spend more time with my family this year, quality time. I want to shift my kids' attitudes and other things in the coming months. I'm hoping things go smoother this coming year, I hope my husband gets a job soon, I hope that we conceive another baby this year.. and gosh I hope for many things. Let's just say I'm counting on 2010 to be far better than 2009.