new years eve

After feeling pretty good about things I didn't think after a week my emotions would come crashing at me so hard. I'm sad.. and empty today. It's been a week, a week since my womb was occupied. I'm not sure how to heal this and I'm not sure it will ever go away. I feel like I learned so much from this experience but that it was such a teaser.. I desperately want another baby, but why. I'm sad that it likely won't happen right away.

I also wonder why I want to keep having kids. Why do I feel like I'm trying to fix something within myself each pregnancy and when will I learn that I can not change the past? I can not make my mother be a mother to me, but I can be a mother to my kids. I can not make my childhood any easier but I can make theirs gentler. I can not force a relationship to happen with my mother or my stepmother but I can foster a truly loving relationship with my daughter. I can not heal my birth experiences through another. So will another baby change these things, fill the void? no, not likely.

I guess it seems odd to ask these questions and I feel like I'm talking in circles lately. Anyway, I asked a psychic if there was another baby and if so, when? And her response I guess really triggered me to question.. though the feelings were there long before the questions.

I don't want to end the year on such a sad note.. though it was a rather shitty year and I'm more than happy to see it go. I want to look for some positives... looking forward. I want to spend more time with my family this year, quality time. I want to shift my kids' attitudes and other things in the coming months. I'm hoping things go smoother this coming year, I hope my husband gets a job soon, I hope that we conceive another baby this year.. and gosh I hope for many things. Let's just say I'm counting on 2010 to be far better than 2009.

Warning: TMI My miscarriage story

It's complete.

Dec. 18 ~started spotting pink. I felt really disturbed by the sight and cried a bit. This was so not what I was expecting.

Dec. 19 ~spotting seemed to have tapered off some, turned brown. Was still bothered by it but thought maybe it was just nothing, a fluke.

Dec. 20 ~had more spotting, was brown and red. That evening I had my first trickle of red blood. I thought for sure this was it. No cramping or discomfort there.

Dec. 21 ~thought things might be ok, still had some hope that maybe it was nothing.. or something perhaps placental. It seemed the bleeding occurred every evening between 6 and 8pm.

Dec. 22 ~I think the bleeding started earlier today. Seemed like there was always blood whenever I wiped but it wasn't flowing out of me. Still not really cramping or uncomfortable.

Dec. 23 ~Woke up really not feeling well. I went to fun club and just didn't feel right. I felt weak and shaky. I came home, on the drive home I felt really crampy. I took a nap and felt something odd in my butt, was very uncomfortable. Bleeding picked up a little but still nothing massive.

Dec. 24 ~Went to my mother in laws for Christmas. Ate lots of protein type foods. I had a plate full of deviled eggs, chicken strips and a deli sandwich. My body decided that's what it needed to get things really going. I started cramping and I could feel it coming in waves. It was really starting to get uncomfortable around the time we started opening gifts. I told my husband that I felt like we should go soon. I really wasn't feeling well. I stood up to leave and a bunch of clots and blood came pouring out of me. I was grateful it wasn't all over but I did have to run to the bathroom and swap things out. We left shortly after because I did not want to do this anywhere but home. The whole car ride I could feel waves of pain, it was very similar to active labor and I was moaning through some of the pains. We got home and the little one had fallen asleep in the car, thank goodness because I really was stuck in the bathroom. Lots of clots came out at this point and the pain was pretty intense. It was bearable.. but intense. I really felt at ease with this process by this point. Up until now.. I was teary and emotional every time I thought about it but at that point I embraced it. My body was doing what it knew needed to be done. I was trusting the process to happen naturally and it did. Things slowed down considerably. I was able to clean myself up a bit and the bathroom some.. throw a pad on and EAT. I was hungry. and thirsty. After I ate, I had one more episode where i was stuck to the toilet.... then I was able to just relax. I was tired but felt pretty good. I think in part I was amazed at the process.. which probably sounds very strange for some. I started thinking about Christmas and how my poor babies had nothing to open Christmas morning. I felt bad about this.. and decided that I felt well enough to run out to Wal-Mart to get each of them a few things. I was trying to take it easy while there, but a few times I felt a little woozy. I got home after being there for about an hour and felt like I needed to pee. I sat down and pushed a little and plop, out came the placenta. I had a look at it.. amazed that my body created this and sustained it for a few weeks. I have read many miscarriage stories recently and so many women found comfort in keeping their placentas, I decided before all of this happened that I wanted to do the same. So I had another good look.. I could see the gestational sac and even a tiny babe floating around inside of it. The baby was about the size of a sesame seed.. I think it had stopped developing around 6ish weeks which is around the time that I just felt like something was off. I put the placenta in a bag and will bury it in the spring. Goodbye my beautiful sweet babe.. I'm sorry I wasn't able to nurture you for very long, you were very, very loved and wanted and I thank you for showing me that my body is not broken and knows what to do when given time to complete the process on my own.

I truly felt like this was a huge learning experience for me. I also feel like I should probably feel devastated... but I'm actually very much at peace with things. I want another babe.. and so does my husband, we might actually try for one this time instead of allowing it to just happen. A part of me feels like this babe's purpose was to show me... he/she was such a surprise to me. Usually I have this feeling like a babe is knocking at the door so to speak. It was just all so unusual. I really miss being pregnant though.. and was so looking forward to my belly growing round, Sage being a big sister and having a little one to grow with. I really wanted this but I know it was not the right time in my heart. Hopefully I'm blessed to experience another babe in this lifetime, a babe from my womb.

Love and light on this Christmas day. I'm healing physically.. emotionally I'm sound.

raw

goodbye baby. i never thought this would happen to me.. i never thought my body would fail me so badly. it's an answer.. but it's not really the one i was hoping for. my heart hurts. i wanted this baby. i wanted to grow round and celebrate my body. i wanted a homebirth. i wanted sage to have a little baby to grow up with.

i think i knew a few weeks ago. i panicked when my symptoms seemed to just disappear overnight. i'd never experienced that before. i had grown somewhat complacent with my new norm and thought things were just going differently this time. all of my pregnancies have been very different. then on friday, the 18th i started to lightly spot. it was pink mucous that went to brown.. that lasted a couple days. on sunday i had my first drop of red blood. i thought oh great, this is it but things didn't quite pick up from there. so i settled into thinking maybe it's just something placental.. maybe it's nothing. maybe it will just stop. god so many fucking maybes. i'm angry at those maybes. i'm pissed at them for not coming true. fuck you maybes. and yet.. i still have more.. maybe i'm just losing a twin, maybe it's not what i think it is.. maybe hope.

things really picked up this evening. my bleeding had gotten a little heavier yesterday, and there was more today. i just felt off today. totally off, it must have been apparent because a few people pointed it out at our homeschool group. once i settled in i felt a little better, probably because my mind was off of it. when i got home i napped with my sage girl, was woke with a crisis and dealt with that. when i went to the bathroom the next time there was a lot of clotty stuff and my back has been hurting. it's not too bad yet.. but i guess it will get worse. i feel raw emotionally. merry fuckin' christmas to me... bitter.

A new outlook

I asked babe to give me a sign last night before bed. I woke feeling good overall about this pregnancy, positive. I hope I can just stop and listen and enjoy for now... no matter what happens in the future. I've been striving for that this whole pregnancy and it seems I'm taking baby steps to get there. It's complicated and difficult to let go of what you've always been but apparently quite important to me right now. Ah! I feel like I'm talking in circles. lol Anyway... today's prognosis, no spotting = good.

Spotting

Last night I started spotting a little. It was very light but alarming to me just the same. It started off pinkish, went to an old reddish color then tapered off to brown. Today I had one episode of dark brown spotting but it all looks like old blood. I'm really not sure how to feel about it, what to think. I am trying to keep the faith and trust that all will be well. It's a little difficult at times when in the past couple of weeks I have really questioned if I am pregnant at all. My symptoms at times seem so mild compared to Sage's pregnancy but really all of my boys were rather mild compared to Sage's pregnancy.

There have been a couple of times I've felt a cramp here or there but I know that's entirely in the realm of normal in the first trimester. It could be nothing, too, just my uterus stretching and growing. I wish I just knew with certainty. The guessing is wearing me down. I have no insurance so just making an appointment doesn't work for me and I really don't deem this an emergency situation. Not enough to justify going to the emergency room. So I guess I sit and wait it out.

My Questions

I'm currently reading Birthing From Within by Pam England and Rib Horowitz. I'm not too far into the book just yet but one of the first things it asks is what's my question?

"When you were expecting, what was it that you needed to know to give birth?"

I have a few questions...

Do I trust in my body?
Do I trust my own judgment?
Do I believe in myself?

I've had these questions come up over and over the past couple of weeks. The first trimester of pregnancy is always the hardest. I haven't felt too awful this time around and I think that has played with my brain a bit. I spent most of last week even questioning if I was pregnant still. I had an epiphany at some point that while it matters to me what happens, what will be will be. I can't control or it change it and I'm embracing that as best I can right now. I'm just trying to find my inner patience and project it best I can.

I should post a belly pic.. I am not too full yet, but definitely have some bloat lol which gives the appearance of belly. ;) I can just feel the top of my uterus and I always find that part of pregnancy neat and interesting. I am really trying to have patience and enjoy each step of this journey. It's interesting how much I want this now... now that it's a reality, I'm terrified of losing it.