Last Sunday in January

It's been awhile... yeah. famous last words from me.

This weekend my brother stayed over. He's K's age. It puts me in a funny spot because I have to deal with my mother, and right now we're not speaking all because I said I would pick up my brother and realized after I said that (3 months ago!!) that I had no gas in the car. It was fine, we managed to get him over and back home, she is still holding that grudge. Claiming I perpetrated it and wanted it that way. Yeah. Whatever. So tonight I was forced to bring my brother home because I did not want some random anybody to pick him up. Inevitably when I pulled up to the apartment complex there was my mother walking down the stairs with the dog. Ugh! I told my brother I really didn't want to deal with my mom... and she gave pause as soon as she saw me, too. A part of me is really annoyed (and hurt) that she didn't come running out to talk to me. (Aren't I childish?) It's really not ME who has the problem... it's HER. I won't apologize for some perceived fuck up that I know wasn't on purpose. Of all the things to get pissed about. ahem.. I digress.

So yeah, I'm a little bothered that she didn't come out anyway and force me to deal with her. It might have gotten us over this hurdle... or it might not. I'm in such a weird place emotionally right now. Very prickly and sensitive. As I was leaving the apartment parking lot it dawned on me that woman has never been there for me when I truly, truly needed her. Never in my times of grief, never in the times I've fallen and needed a helping hand. And really I just want to say, Fuck that! (and I really feel like this broken record... so and so wasn't there for me when I needed them. wah wah)

On a lighter note... I've become quite the housewife the past two weeks. My kitchen is clean, my living room is clean, my bathroom is clean and all the bedrooms are in some semblance of order. If someone just popped in tomorrow, I wouldn't be mortified to let them in. I like this... and I hope I stick with it.

Jan 4 2010

I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. I suppose the miscarriage spurred that on... I've always been a why, why, why person though. I love a good puzzle. I'm also a bit neurotic. lol

Today started off a good day... then went to shit in a matter of moments. I wanted to do an art lesson with the kids today. I feel like we need a little more structure to our days, not necessarily a schedule but something to fill our time rather than mindless hours of internet gaming and social sites. I chose mandalas as I thought it would be fun and not a lot of pressure. Ha!

It started with the printer and my computer not feeling very compatible for a few moments which left me a little frazzled. Then Sage girl decided she had to potty and sat on her seat with the lid down, pee EVERYWHERE. Then Ky had his box of dye that he has been carrying around for the past day flashing me with every time he catches my eye. Dammit kid! I'll dye your hair when I get there. I had finally got every thing I wanted together after numerous interruptions (feeling like I wanted to SCREAM) and I lost it. The kids were bickering, chattering, sneering, glaring... the noise was too much for me.. and then my oldest copped a 'tude. Really what I wanted to do was knock out his teeth (really.. i promise i'm a nice mommy) but instead I snapped at him verbally. Which led to my husband laughing at me which was just the wrong thing to do at this point in time. I pinched the back of his arm in frustration, hard enough to leave a bruise... and instantly felt terrible. Why do I forget to breathe in these sort of situations?! We went about coloring the mandalas which was somewhat relaxing, everybody was done before me. Including Sage, who proceeded to get whiny and then turned into a sniveling mess which brought along some more irritation. Urgh!

It was after I got her down for a nap that my stomach cued hunger pains. Like OW pains. Duh! I hadn't eaten yet... and apparently my body still really needs at least 3 meals/day. I felt a lot better after I ate... and even better after I finished my mandala while watching a funny comedian. Laughter is good for the soul.

Sage woke up and I decided I was going to go to the library by myself. As I was wandering around the non-fiction section, I let my body lead the way... I wound up stopping at the Reiki section. I had to chuckle... for real? I think the Universe was sending me a message... a big one. The book that stuck out was called Self-Healing with Reiki. Totally curious now, so I grabbed it. I also scored and picked up Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and a new Tarot book. So I have some reading material now... maybe that will help me to relax?

I hate bad Mommy days. I feel awful for how irritable I was today... not to mention how not so nice of a wife I was. Oops? Luckily my family is rather forgiving? If I was nicer I would have cooked a nice dinner but I was tired and Hubby had thrown in stuffed peppers while I was at the library. Lucky me. They tasted terrible (boxed meal) but it was sweet of him to try. He also made the kids jello.