very rough draft

i've recently been writing about our journey in schooling. going from schoolers to unschoolers. i suppose it's interesting to no one but myself, lol. i thought i would post it here so at some point in the future i might go back to and perhaps review it. i think it's amazing how my thought processes have changed so much since kyle was little. i often wish i had the knowledge and strength i have now, back then. :) (this is going to be a LONG post. lol i guess i'm extremely long winded when i talk about schooling)


Schooler to Unschooler?

It all started shortly after my oldest son turned 5. He was going to kindergarten and I was being forced to let go. I can remember pulling in to the parking lot of the school and tears starting to fill my eyes. I grabbed the baby out of the car seat and reached for my boy's hand. He turned his little face up to mine and said, "I'm a big boy now, Mama. I don't need to hold your hand anymore." The tears that filled my eyes now spilled over, I wasn't ready to let my baby go yet!

Perhaps at this point I should have listened to my screaming gut, but no. I stuck him in school, mourned the first week and then thought this might be ok. I thought how nice it would be that I would actually get to go out while he was in school, with just the baby. How I would be able to do so much more now that there was one less to my crew. Ha! Yeah, I didn't manage to do many grand things when he was only in school for 3 hours a day. I did enjoy some quiet time with the baby. That was about it. I usually wound up waiting for him to get out of school before I went anywhere, 3 hours sure isn't a whole lot of time to do much of anything.

All hell broke loose sometime around the 2nd quarter. I was informed that my son was 'behind' with his letter sounds. When I drilled him at home, he seemed pretty much on par. He was placed in a 'reduction class' that to me became a joke. For a half a quarter I humored the school and talked to my boy about his feelings in regards to this class. "Mommy, I hate being taken from my class. I really like my friends and teacher." Urgh. So I spoke with his teacher at a conference and requested he remain in the class. I explained to her that I felt it was a huge disruption for him and I felt he would catch up just fine. I was right. He did.

Then came first grade. The poor kid had the cards stacked against him from the get go here. One, he's one of the youngest in the class. Two, I was having another baby... who coincidentally was due right at the start of the school year. Three, his biological father had just passed away unexpectedly. And four, he had the world's crappiest teacher ever to bring in his first full day schooling experience. Oh joy.

His first report card in the first grade was terrible. My son went from a student who enjoys participating, is a pleasure to have in class, eager to learn to talks too much, doesn't sit still, doesn't participate well. Hmmmm. Something doesn't seem right here? Being the good parent I was I scheduled a conference with the teacher. She blew me and the rest of the parents off. I tried phoning her at the school to no avail. I saw my son's lust for learning, his spark slowly start to diminish as the days passed by. At my wit's end, I tried to phone the principal because I just didn't know what to do anymore. My concerns were pushed aside, of course, I was told she was an excellent teacher and that no I could not take him out of her class.

Midway through the year I started to fantasize about homeschooling him. I essentially was already. He would draw all day in class and bring home all of his school work to do at home on top of his homework. My family told me that I couldn't do it. That I just didn't have the patience needed to successfully homeschool my boy. On top of that I had just had another baby. I wasn't strong enough in myself to fight the system. Many times in later years I would feel that pull and brush it aside. Ironically enough, when I finally made the impromptu decision to homeschool was 10 days after the birth of my daughter.

The years continue to pass and while he had some very good teachers he was still 'behind' in reading which, of course, made him behind in other subjects. I fought so hard to keep him up to par but it always felt like a losing battle. Around the 3rd grade I had him tested for the whole list of learning disabilities. Surprise, surprise! He had none.. his IQ was in the top percentile of his age group peers. I even went so far to take him in and have him 'tested' for ADHD. We medicated for a year. It helped a little and the school social worker was amazed at his knowledge of the medication. He told her that it wasn't a magic pill that would make him a better student but it might help him to concentrate better. I guess it's uncommon for most parents to explain WHY they are medicating their children for ADHD.

When my big boy was in 4th grade my second son was placed in kindergarten. It was quite an adjustment but one we settled in to just fine. It wasn't until my second son reached first grade that things escalated for him. He was ahead of the curve so he struggled with different things than my oldest. Second grade was a true nightmare for him. He ditched school.. yes.. you read that right.. my 7 year old ditched school in the second grade! Numerous times. I wound up holding back my oldest in the 4th grade because I just felt that was our last ditch option. This did help him overall. He was obviously more mature and seemed better able to keep up with his classmates.

When my oldest was entering the 6th grade and my middle boy entering 3rd and the littlest boy entering kindergarten, I gave birth to my daughter. I was unable to register my children on time for many reasons. I figured it would be no big deal to register them after my daughter was born. I went in to the registrar's office and was told I had to make an appointment. School started the 15th and they were scheduling my appointment for the 21st. WHAT? I was informed that this is what happens when you register late in the most condescending tone. You know, I can understand that attitude to a degree for people that are just lazy but I have never registered my children late. Ever. I had just had a baby and this sort of attitude was so negative and not what I was expecting. I made my appointment and was forced to wait a full week after school started. I started to again fantasize about homeschooling.

The day of my appointment I was really struggling with my inner voice. It was really difficult for me to even take the steps from the car to the building. I was on time/early for my appointment and was forced to stand out in the rain with my brand new baby. I was not under the impression that I would have to wait, but I did. When I was finally able to speak with someone, filled out the 3 forms per kid, I was trying to remain pleasant as could be. I was asked what grades each of the children were in and all was well until I got to my oldest. He was entering 6th and apparently our 'home' school did not have room for the child. I became very upset at this point as my son had finally started to feel successful in the school system. He had lots of friends and knew all of the staff in the building. He felt at home there. I was given a few mediocre options for him. He could go to the less successful schools in the area, this would mean that I would need to be in 3 places at once for pick up. I was also told that I could put my middle son in the same school as him so that would make things 'easier' for me. None of these options seemed right for us. I became very agitated with the woman. These were not the answers I was looking for and I was continually reminded that this is what happens when you register late, which upset me even more.

I think in a fit of post-partum hormonal rage I threw the papers at the woman and declared I would be homeschooling my children then. I was fed up with the whole situation, the whole whack system. I walked out of the building in tears, upset with the way that I was treated. I spoke with my grandma and she, being the voice of reason, told me I should maybe try speaking with the superintendent and see where that took me. I placed a call in to her the very next day. I was given the run around for a few hours before I demanded to be put through to her. I tried every angle I could think of with this woman but she just wouldn't budge. What really upset me was when I tried to explain all the struggles my son had and the triumphs he experienced in this school, I was totally shot down. I expressed my disgust at their lack of care for a child's well-being over numbers in a classroom.

It was decided then. We were officially homeschooling. What did I just do?! I tried to gather my wit's about me. I was lucky to have a few online communities that were very helpful and walked me through the transition. One thing I should have paid more attention to was the many seasoned homeschoolers were telling me that I needed to go through a deschooling phase. (Deschooling is when one takes a break from the rigors of schooling in order to decompress and find direction) With the pressures I was facing from my family I felt it best at the time to try and recreate a school at home environment. I abused the internet daily trying to find things to keep the kids busy and found myself feeling very burned out by the experience. Finally I came across some workbooks that were complete curriculum and that made my life a little easier, in a sense. My youngest son had never been schooled and he was already a year ahead of his grade. We decided to completely skip over kindergarten work.

We plowed through those workbooks daily. I assigned certain things for them to accomplish and often they were done within 15 minutes. What do you do then? Why we did lots of experiments! and baking! and watching fun shows like How It's Made and Survivorman. You'd think at this point I would have realized that we were doing more real learning outside of the books, but no. I had it set in my head that I needed to prove to my family that I could do it the way they thought it should be done. Why is it I always ignore my inner voice when it matters most!?

In the summer of our first year I decided we all deserved a break from the pressure of schooling. We got a bit of flack from certain family members but I brushed it off. We had poured through quite a lot that year and definitely learned plenty about each other. That was important to me. Our break actually never really ended. I think I picked up the next grade curriculum books and actually assigned a page or two before my husband was laid off. I found it difficult for everybody to adjust to Daddy now being home all day.

I had done some reading about unschooling prior to actually making the leap into homeschooling. I was rather put off by the label. I mean, when one thinks about the term unschooling it brings up a slew of negative connotations. What do you mean unschooling? Is that not schooling? I don't understand. Well, put quite simply it is child led learning. My children decide what it is that they are interested in AND we learn about it. It's also about life learning. My children are far more equipped at math than I was at their ages. Why? Because I take them with me to the grocery store and we budget shop, comparing prices and amounts and what is the better deal. They bake things so they are quite aware of fractions and measurements. As for reading, I feel they get a fair amount of reading in when they play video games. You might question the logic in that, I mean, video games are hardly educational, right? Wrong. They are extremely educational, even the ones that aren't labeled as such. My boys have learned map reading and all sorts of interesting life skills from playing video games. My youngest boy is actually reading about 2 grade levels ahead of his age group peers. He has never had any formal training in regards to reading.

I often question myself if I am doing the right thing for my children. I think as parents that is just something that we are prone to do. In short, I feel I most definitely I am. I always thought I was very close with all of my kids. I can say with certainty that I'm even closer to them now than I have ever been. We spend so much time together and do so much together it's truly amazing the bond we have. I'm much more in tune with their needs than I was when they were spending 6+ hours away from me. My teen and I rarely argue, we are more apt to seek out a feasible agreement rather than spend days pissed off at each other. My daughter gets the full village benefit of having her brothers close at hand always, helping her, teaching her (not always good things!) and guiding her. I feel my family has a special sort of relationship and I truly feel sorry for those that aren't privy to such an experience. It's been an amazing journey these past 2 and a half years. Truly amazing. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

what i've accomplished..

well, i got the vast majority of the dishes done. i got a late start because i laid down for a nap with sage and did some other procrastination type things with my time. i really dreaded doing the dishes because they appear so overwhelming when stacked all over the place but in reality it wasn't so bad. i have some stuff soaking because there was no way i was going to be able to scrub off the crud. tomorrow i will finish the dishes in entirety and the counters/table top. i am proud of myself even if i didn't finish it completely.. i still did something.

sage's diapers are about 2/3 of the way stripped. it takes awhile, you have to run each load numerous times to ensure you get rid of all of the bubbles from the dawn dishsoap. so looks like that will also be finished tomorrow.

i'm going to ask the hubby if he will help me arrange the living room tonight. all of the kids are in bed so should be no big deal to do this without 3 bodies under foot. i think this will help cut down on some of sage's toy mess because she'll have her area back in the corner and it's easier to keep the mess over there rather than in the walkway. i'm not sure what i'm going to do with our keyboard... all of the children really enjoy playing it so i feel bad just taking it down and stashing it away. need to think about that one for a bit. i've got some ideas flitting around my head.. i'm sure i'll work something out. ♥

all in all, i am proud of myself. i got some stuff done, i could have procrastinated a little less but i didn't fritter away the whole day. i have been known to do that. something is better than nothing and if i work my way through with baby steps, i'll get somewhere... eventually. that's good enough for me right now.

Today's Plan

Writing out my plan for today, later tonight I will come back and cross off what I've accomplished.

*dishes, counters, table.
*sink kept clean throughout the day.
*finish sage's diapers (stripping them this weekend)


if I feel up to it I would like to:

*rearrange the living room.

I think keeping it small will work better for me than laying out some grandiose plan. If I focus on some key areas and get caught up I know I'll feel loads better and I can always do more if I feel up to it.

Tales of a Halloween Scrooge

I woke up this morning quite achy and cranky. I failed to go to bed at the proper time... in part because my children decided to pull an almost all nighter. Sage stayed up until a little after 2am and the boys I finally shooed out of the room shortly before I got her to lay down. This led my body to think it should stay up until near 4. wtf? I know why I do this.. I crave the solitude and quiet time without the kids, so I know it's only normal that I should stay up an hour or so after they go to bed. Not sure exact reasons why the kids stayed up so late other than the stars must have been properly aligned lol.

This led me to, of course, not get enough sleep. Sleep is greatly important to my pain levels throughout the day. If I don't sleep enough, I'm inevitably miserable the next day... sometimes lasting two or three days after a late night. My hips and legs hurt so bad I had some issues getting mobile this morning. I hate feeling like that... especially when that's how my day starts.

Trick or treating was today. With all the financial upheavals we've had recently I was unable to get the boys costumes. I looked around for some of our old costumes to no avail.. and I'll be damned if I recall where I shoved the face paint from last year. (probably hidden from Miss Sage, who likely found my stash spot at one point throughout the year) So, I had to be the mean mommy and tell the littles we weren't going this year.

Normally we don't trick or treat in our town. The few times I have gone, I've received Easter and Christmas candy. I'm not talking just one piece... I'm talking a good, solid quarter of the bag. Eww. So typically I swing out to my dad's and we go have a good time there. My dad knows all of his neighbors and some even get my kiddos special treats. :) My dad was working today though so we decided to make plans for a different day. No biggie.

Aidan was a bit disappointed we didn't go. He expressed this numerous times throughout the day. He was slightly soothed by getting two big bags of his own candy but still managed to bring it up again right before bed. I hate feeling like such a Scrooge. bah.

I've decided I need to work on some things about myself. I need routine.. I hate routine but I need it. I need to get on top of this house first. It's depressing being here sometimes as the mess can be overwhelming. It's not difficult to clean up really.. it's just motivating myself to do so. In part, I don't know where to put some of our stuff. I decided to homeschool the boys a few years ago and have never really found an organizational setup I like or can stick to. I tried doing flylady not too long ago but ha. like many things I attempt to stick to... I fell off the wagon.

I wish it wasn't so difficult for me to stay organized. Really. I have a very organized brain.... and when I do get myself going I'm really good at what I do. It's just keeping up with things after the fact. I might for a while (like a week or two) but then I slack off in some area and next thing I know everything else has fallen apart, too.

Well. No more. I am making a promise to myself that by next Saturday my kitchen will be spotless.. that needs to happen first. I am aiming for keeping it spotless daily. That way the mess doesn't grow to crazy proportions. I also want to work on the bathroom. The living room will come next (see I have a plan) but I need to find a system for the living room. I need to figure out a better way to control the mess. It's too cluttered this way but we use all of our 'stuff' in here. Maybe some room reordering is what I need. I also want to post to my blog daily, as a way to keep track of myself and my feelings. I think this will greatly help me.

All of this leads in to my holiday blahs. I swear! If I get myself together... I think I'll be able to better enjoy the holidays. I want feel so overwhelmed and cranky. Aiming to have myself totally together by Thanksgiving and working on another set of goals. :)

Crash!

Inevitably whenever I have a ton of good things happening in my life, something has to happen to give me pause. I suppose this happens so I re-evaluate and continue to feel ever grateful for the blessings I do have.

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from my father. When I answered it, I was chipper, cheery expecting a conversation about trick or treating times and the usual. Instead it went something like this...

Dad: Have you spoken to Grandma yet?

Me: No? Why? Do I need to speak to Grandma right now? What's going on? What happened?!

Dad: Papa had a seizure.

Me: WHAT!??!?!

Dad: I really don't know what's going on, other than Grandma called me and said Papa had some sort of seizure.

Me: OH FUCK!

I hurriedly got off the phone with him to quick call my grandma to find out just what the hell was going on. She had even less news for me than my father. ACK! Frustration! Apparently they were not together when my poor papa fainted. He was at a funeral for a friend and started to feel dizzy when they had stood up to sing. He felt dizzy and nauseous and decided he should sit down instead. That's the last thing he remembers, next thing he knows he's laying on the floor with everybody around him. The paramedics were called and he was whisked away to the emergency room.

So of course, I'm thinking he's had a seizure or a stroke or omg what!? I'm trying to remain in the positive but that is so miserably hard to do when you just don't.know.anything.of.the.situation. Especially for someone like me... *sigh*

Papa did not have a seizure. Or a stroke. He has no obvious neurological impairments (hehehe other than the obvious ones :P) and seems to be doing ok, a little weak.. a little tired but ok. They've run the gamut of tests on him and I think secretly he's reveling in all the attention... the dirty little imp. lol No.. he's really not. I'm certain he wants to come home as they do not let people sleep in there. His words, not mine.

My thoughts are.. he gave blood for some blood work yesterday morning, came home and ate a bowl of cereal, and then headed out for the funeral. The cereal likely caused a spike in his sugar and the blood work + standing for a long time probably caused a drop in his blood pressure. Not a very good combination, right? I mean, I'm no doctor but it seems logical enough. One side of me feels grateful, though, that he's in the hospital getting himself thoroughly checked out. He's deadset on living to 100. I'm pulling for him! ♥

I can see clearly now...

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. :)

I was ultra terrified that we were definitely going to lose our house even though T had finally found a job. I kept wracking my brain trying to come up with a solution but every effort I put in to it was thwarted. We tried selling our property numerous times to no avail, we dropped the price down to practically nothing.. and still no buyers. I guess it was meant to be.. and in a way I am actually kind of glad that no one bought it as we had yet to even see the property and enjoy it.

I applied for food stamps because we were just in such a tight bind that I didn't see any way to feed my family the way we deserve to eat. I had to keep reminding myself that there is no shame in asking for help when you really need it. I was glad I did, the people at the DHS office were so very kind... not what I expected. We qualified for expedited assistance and it couldn't have come at a better time, our cupboards were most definitely on the bare side. Now they are stuffed to the brim, overflowing and it brings such a sense of security for me...

I found the solution to the house problem as well. I had to break down and use my son's trust fund. It wasn't easy to come to the decision at all.. I really did not want to have to touch that money ever. It is K's money, not mine.. we've done it all this time on our own.. never even thinking of that money. ever. But desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose and K was more than willing for us to use his money. We had many conversations leading up to the actual decision to use it. He started many of them with, MOM! Please! Just use my money.. it means nothing to me. My typical response was, but it might mean something to you in the future. The last talk we had about it he said to me that it wouldn't mean near as much to him as a happy childhood he's enjoyed in a home of his own, a place that is his to lay his head at night. I nearly burst in to tears when he said that to me. I must say he is truly an amazing person. I'm glad he's a part of my life. So very glad, he's enriched me in more ways than I can list.

So, we are totally caught up on the mortgage through December. Hubby has a job that he should be starting soon. We have tons of food. I've got the sheer pleasure of my children available to me all day long. A happy home, A happy life. I am so blessed.

Oh.. and I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by the outpouring of kindness when we were at the lowest point in this ordeal. Family and friends sending us home with food from gathers, I was given some money a few times which was a blessing. My sister even took us grocery shopping once to make sure we could get through the week. How awesome. Things always seemed to fall in to place when it needed to... Just when I thought I was out of my last roll of toilet paper someone was making sure I had some available. lol It's true.. I will never doubt humanity again, there are some truly awesome people out there in this world. ♥♥♥

So it happens...

Yesterday my husband found a job... I'm not sure if it's what he was really expecting in terms of what he wants to do with his life but it's a job and it will be different. Of course, me being me, I had to get on google and start googling for taxi driver experiences. Do they make money? Is it hard? What does it entail? etc, etc, etc. I'm really trying not to scare myself because some money is better than no money... and I really can see it as a lucrative career.. but it might take some time. Who knows, perhaps it's merely transitional and we'll go from there.

I'm still trying to keep my head in the positives, it's working and I am a lot happier overall when I feel/think this way. I've taken to only speaking in positives and trying not to let my mind dwell in the negatives. Some things are harder to do that with than others... It was slightly alarming this morning when I woke up and checked my bank account to find that we were 880 dollars in the hole. But it will be ok... and somehow we'll get out of this hole... while I'm searching for a way to pull up out that hole, it would be nice to find the money to pay our outstanding mortgage balance before they accelerate our loan AND somehow have enough food in the house. :D

Next Thursday is my food stamp interview, so that's a plus. We really need the help with food... I've become really creative at figuring out how to make something to feed us all on random things left in our pantry/freezer/fridge. This morning was chocolate pancakes... and that made everybody happy.