Lots on my mind as we enter into the week. Hubby's interview last Wednesday went rather well. They were very impressed with his resume, his previous work history and wanted him to come in on Friday for a trial run. Friday went pretty well as well but we won't know anything further until sometime this week. Patience is definitely not my strong suit but I feel oddly at peace and calm about it all. I'm desperate for them to accept him as I feel this company is a perfect fit for him. The past couple of job ventures he's come across were new things, scammy type jobs that were a terrible fit and I think probably plunged him further into a funk about our situation. The fact that the interview went so well and he received massive recognition for his work history has really boosted him up again. So, I'm really just hoping this happens and it's what we've been praying for.

I can't say I've been very on top of my job, either. The house has fallen to pieces as I've been in my own funk. I've been here before and it's so hard to pull myself out of it. I am trying desperately to come up with a plan to get the house back under control because it's not fair to any of my family to live this way. Thank goodness Hubby has been picking up the slack and it's not as bad as it could be... I don't know why I let it get this far before I take a step back and realize what is going on. Pffbbt. Nothing stays the same so I am taking from that and aiming to change.

It's going to be a great week...

I'm going to write about this and hope not to jinx it... I suppose if something is meant to be, it will happen regardless of sharing before it happens, right? I guess I'm slightly superstitious in that regard.

My husband has been unemployed for over 2.5 years. It's been a looooooooooong 2.5 years. Some aspects have been great, awesome even... others, yeah, not so much. The past 6 months we have been without unemployment at all. So essentially no income. I keep telling myself that no one, not even a financial planning wizard could have planned for this.. the economy crash or job market in such sad shape. My husband has quite literally applied for hundreds of jobs, from positions that make over 80k a year to a dog washer position making minimum wage. Nothing. He's had a few badly matched jobs in the past couple years, one downright scammy. I won't lie, it's been beyond hard.

His self worth plummeted to amazing lows, which I'm sure you can imagine.. rejection after rejection after rejection can make even the most self assured person depressed. I have told him repeatedly that it will happen, when the time is right the proper door will open. Sadly, we are going to lose our house because the right door has taken just a little too long but I think we've made peace with it. Anyway, I digress... always off on another ramble...

I have been his personal secretary lately because he is just so discouraged with the job hunting process. I decided I would send out his resumes, fit him with the perfect job. He is still looking but not to the degree I am. I hesitate to say my once computer savvy hubby has been surpassed by his even more computer savvy wifey. Craigslist has been my venue... I look daily, I send out resumes to places that fit his skills. I figure something has to pan out and we've received more response from these places than anywhere else. Last week he was contacted by one business and asked to fill out an application for employment... we haven't heard back yet but I'm hopeful. Today he was asked to come in for an interview. An interview!!!! I'm friggin' excited! This is more than we've seen in over 2 years of looking. So if you have some extra positivity to spare, please send it our way.. I'm definitely hopeful.

What makes a day special?

Today is Mother's Day... and usually I feel kinda low about it, I think it's an unwritten rule in our marriage book that we don't get each other stuff for holidays and birthdays. It's not that either of us (my husband and I) don't care to do that for each other, we just usually focus on making sure the kids are taken care of. Being a large family there's usually very little left for fun. The past few years have been really tight financially and so I try not to caught up in all the hullabaloo for these sorts of holidays.

Really though? Gifts and fancy stuff isn't what Mother's Day is supposed to be about. Today is about honoring your mother, the one who gave you life or perhaps the one who gave all of her love to you, raised you... kissed your owies, took care of you while you were ill, etc. There's no gift in the world that can compare to what a Mother gives of herself. So anyway, given our pretty crappy financial situation (and some sad news yesterday) I just decided to let go of any and all expectations and enjoy the little things in life.

My baby's smile, my little girl's giggle, my boys words and expressions of love... those things matter more to me than anything else in this world. Today I planted flowers haphazardly in my backyard.. not caring how they were planted, essentially just tossing seeds into the dirt with a smile. Today I took a nap with my baby and enjoyed the few moments of snuggles that she will allow because she is finding her mobility and ready to explore the world. I enjoyed a dinner with my family, cooked by my most wonderful husband. I enjoyed the sunshine caressing my face and the breeze blowing through my hair. I'd say it was a perfect day! Nothing necessarily out of the ordinary but a day to certainly remember and enjoy.

Soon my babies will all be sleeping, snuggly and warm... it's amazing to think that not all that long ago they were as little as their baby sister is right now. It goes so fast but being a Mother is the most precious gift life has ever offered me.

Little Miss is planning her birthday already. She'll be 4 in August but has already requested a butterfly cake. Quite adamantly! I can remember when my birthday held such magic for me... and I love to see that in her. It's like a tiny, little piece of me carried on. I mean, I know she's half my dna and looks a heckuva lot like me but sometimes it's nice to see those little bits of yourself shine through.

She's recently had such a leap in her personality. She's always been full of personality but her vocabulary has recently jumped to lots of words and complete sentences. Her funny mispronunciations are few and far between, though some people still have a difficult time understanding her completely. I always feel like I have to interpret for her and perhaps I should step back from that role a bit and let her communicate effectively for herself.

She amazes me daily with her nurturing mannerisms. She's so very good with the baby, all babies really. When we go to LLL meetings she strokes the babies heads and talks gently to them. She really is so gentle. She tells everybody she can about her baby and is just so charming. Am I gushing enough about her??

It was 4 years ago that I found out I was having a girl. After 3 boys we desperately wanted a baby girl. I think Hubby and I both wanted that experience of raising a girl. I can remember when I first found out she was a girl there was such a rush of intense emotions, they were overwhelming. At first, I was ecstatic! I couldn't believe that we had finally created a girl. After that rush wore off I can remember feeling panicked that we had finally created a girl. My relationship with my mother and other mother figures in my life is so complicated, I was terrified that I was going to somehow mess her up. It's kind of funny to think back now because really all she needs is my love. And I give it, in abundance.

Our birthdays are two days apart. Sometimes when I look at her and see myself I think of how I was at her age. The things I was experiencing in my life and I'm sure that will continue as she ages. I didn't have a mother anymore when I was 3.5 and I really don't know how I survived without her but I did. Our bond is so strong, so powerful and I think she couldn't possibly manage in a world without me but I guess that is rather egotistical to think I am the sun, the moon, and the stars to her... but really I am. I love that I had a girl, 2 girls. I look forward to the wisdom they will share with me as we grow together.

I had this super awesome post about my recent epiphany... and blogger crashed and the interwebs ate it. Sadness... indeed. Anyway, I think everybody should take a minute (realy!! that's all it takes!) to read this very awesome article about unschooling.

Zero Tuition College/Unschooling

It really cemented some ideas for me. I've been in such a funk/rut about where we have been heading in regards to schooling (or lack thereof) our kids. I've really embraced the unschooler label but I think it took reading this and noticing that hey!! this IS exactly what we are doing. Or more so, what I am encouraging my children to do.

My oldest is greatly passionate about music and he just happened to be learning to play Carol of the Bells (all initiated by him after watching a Family Guy episode where Peter Griffin hums it and my son thought hey! that would sound AWESOME on the electric guitar) on his guitar. I feel he has an awesome talent and I don't say that just because I'm his mother and I'm supposed to. When it comes down to it, I'm a musical snob. If I don't like the sound of something or if it doesn't sound original to me I turn my nose up. LOL

We've heard the gamut of ideas about our lifestyle, especially in regards to my almost 16 year old. How will he amount to anything if he doesn't go to school? What about high school, these are the best years of his life and he should experience high school!! What about college!? How will he get a job and be successful if you let him sleep until 2pm every day? Fact of the matter is... if it's important to him, he'll get up. If he wants to succeed I'm giving him the tools (hopefully!) to do things he's passionate about instead of passing along skills he may or may not need to just eek by.

I realized I've always been an unschooler.. I mean, the label always resonated with me but it took an external source to point out the obvious. Even when I was schooled (and yes, you can send your children to school and still unschool) I was ever seeking my own passions. Mostly in the form of devouring books with such a voracious appetite that expanded and branched to a myriad of topics. I learned a lot from my books... things that even though they were fiction based, I still probably use in my day to day dealings with other people and I'm not talking social skills. :D And I'm still that way though the internet is now my format of choice. At any given moment I have 30+ tabs open in my browser with all sorts of information to devour as I go through my day. I often will come across a tab with a website that I had forgotten about and my interests are stirred all over again.

I'm like a sponge and so are my children. I want to give them more than I had. I want them to embrace their passions and follow them to the end (or hey! even the beginnings of something new!) So anyway, I encourage you to check that article out and let the ideas marinade for awhile. :)

And here I am again... months have passed and I forget about my blog though it is ever persistent in my brain. I thought I would maybe post about the birth of my baby girl 5.5 months ago.

November 13th, 2010 I woke around 3am to pee. I made my way back up the stairs and laid down, I was tired but unable to drift off comfortable. I put Married with Children on Netflix and watched that for a bit. I was just starting to drift off when I had my first contraction. It made my eyes snap open and I thought, hmmm... this is different but I wasn't placing too much emphasis on it because I had been having a lot of prodromal labor over the past few weeks. I closed my eyes again seeking some rest, I knew that she would be coming soon and knew I would need all the rest I could get. About a half hour later I had another wave that brought me to awareness... it was very different and I knew that something was going on. I laid watching TV, trying to get comfortable and within the half hour felt another one. It was at this time that I went downstairs to tell my husband that I thought that I was in the early stages of labor. I told him that I wasn't getting my hopes up but that these contractions felt different and that I remembered this 'pain' from our previous children.

He came upstairs, excited but exhausted. He fell asleep while I attempted to concentrate through my contractions (side note: I think I placed too much focus, too early on actually finally going into labor on my own.) I should have found something to busy myself but I was tired and made my way to the couch to relax. About 5am my very intuitive little girl came down to sit with me. She asked to nurse but my body was very on edge and uncomfortable overall, so I said not right now. I tried to rest with her but both of us knew something was happening within my body... so we watched a Disney movie together.

It was around 7:30am when I called my mother and told her that I was most definitely in labor. She bickered with me a bit saying she wasn't sure I was really in labor yet. I knew I was for many reasons. Though there was definite excitement in her voice. She said she would try and find a ride out to me. Around 9am she came and I was grateful, taking care of my little girl while I was uncomfortable just wasn't cutting it for me. We chatted for a bit, she made eggs and I bounced around on my birth ball. Things were starting to definitely get more and more uncomfortable.

I showered and woke my husband up. I told him it was definitely the day. I was ready. Around 11:30 both my husband and my mom were rubbing my back while I leaned across the birth ball. It was so relaxing my contractions eased up and slowly petered out. My mother was timing them to my frustration and kept saying to me that I wasn't in real labor yet. I moved downstairs at this time and cuddled up to my little girl, I dozed while my body mercifully gave me a rest. My body knew I was tired and it wasn't ready to move forward with anything until I had some rest. After about 45 minutes of resting things started to pick up again. I gave random updates on a few of the forums I belong to.

I then moved upstairs. My other children were roaming about the house freely, I showered periodically. I find it amusing that my oldest who most definitely did NOT want to be here while I labored came home from a long weekend with his great grandparents the very day (unexpectedly no less) that I went into labor. I kept trying to get comfortable but couldn't. It seemed no matter how I sat, laid, or stood I just wasn't comfortable. I wanted to move and started pacing and squatting. Hoping to push things along. My mother kept wanting me to lay down on my back or my side, she kept timing things and finally I told her enough. That this wasn't the labor I wanted, I didn't want to time things or be told how frequent, infrequent, regular or irregular my contractions were. I was going to just focus on how I was in labor and let things progress naturally like they should. In hindsight I probably should have educated her on exactly what sort of support I wanted... but I don't know that she would have heard me anyway.

As the day progressed so did my labor. I couldn't focus on much more than what my body was doing. Through each contraction my amazing husband massaged and rubbed and supported me implicitly. When I told him that I didn't feel I could keep doing this he told me that my body was designed to do this and that we would see this out to the end, together. He was awesome.

Around 11pm my mother decided to go home, a friend of mine drove her and then came to sit with us for a bit. I was squatting a lot at this time to help bring baby down into the birth canal. I could feel her, that it was getting close. I was super fascinated with what my body was doing... I had show and mucous flowing from me and while I focused on that the pain wasn't too bad. This happened when I miscarried as well... it was like falling into my head, focusing on something physical. It was around this time that my water broke and I decided to listen to baby's heart tones. Baby sounded good and I tried to lose the vibe that my mother had left behind.

I started to feel pushy, so I squatted down for a bit. There was a little blood and this happened to make my friend a little nervous. I wasn't worried yet but I think my husband internalized the fear. I asked if we could be alone for a bit. I stood up, he held me and we rocked for a bit. I got a really intense pushy pressure while I was standing there and he held my arms while my body pushed a bit on it's own. Blood poured down my legs, it wasn't a lot but enough that both of us felt a little concerned. We decided at that point it was probably best to head to the closest hospital.

I listened to the baby's heart tones one more time before we left. She was in the 160s, doing good. The ride to the hospital was hellacious. I felt every little pebble in the road, every bump jostled me in such a way that I went very deep within myself to avoid feeling it. We got to the hospital and it took forever to walk in. I had contraction after contraction as we were making our way. The weather had been warm up until this night where it had turned bitterly cold. I was barely dressed, had thrown a blanket over myself and wound up rocking through each contraction with my husband's arms around me. As I crossed through the door I hollered, Help! Someone help me please! When a man came around the corner I opened the blanket and showed him the blood that had ran down my legs, he rapidly called an orderly who wheeled over a wheel chair. They were asking me a million questions at this point and I wasn't really prepared for any of this. I, at this time, had no insurance and had administered my own prenatal care. Not something the hospital sees every day, I guess.

I was wheeled up to labor and delivery. The room was abuzz with activity and voices and I can remember as we were entering that I was sad because this was NOT how I had intended to bring my beautiful baby into the world. I let it go as quickly as I felt it because I knew it would be counterintuitive to the whole process at that point.

I was told to get on the bed and lay on my back, something I had not been able to do since 3am the following day. I kept telling the nurse that I was trying... that I wanted to comply but that I was very uncomfortable and wasn't sure exactly how I would do that. I sat down and popped back up again a few times before psyching myself into actually laying down. The nurse stressed how important it was to find the baby's heart tones. I told her I had recently listened to baby and that they were fine when we left. She proceeded to grill me on how I was able to listen.. How did you hear the baby's heart tones? I used a doppler. How did you get a doppler?? I bought one. And on and on with silly irrelevant questions. When is your due date? It was November 7th, I'm exactly 41 weeks today. Well how you could you possibly know your due date?? You didn't have an ultrasound. Uh... apparently I can count, I guess that's unheard of since technology stepped into the birthing process?

It was around this time that the doctor came in, lugging an ultrasound machine behind him. I was laying on my back and hoping the best as he squirted gel onto my belly. I asked him if the baby was ok and he snapped at me that he wasn't sure, that the u/s machine was not the best in terms of imaging. He proceeded to tell me he had to make sure baby wasn't breech (had he asked me I could have told him she was definitely NOT breech and that she was on my right side, head down in a good position... but what do I know, I don't have a doctorate degree.) and to make sure there wasn't a placental abruption (something that DID concern me, I could tell through doppler tones that the placenta was on my left side but wasn't sure just how far down it was. For all intents and purposes the placenta can be all over the place and I was worried that perhaps a finger of the placenta was near my cervix). He didn't say much and was rather gruff in how he handled my body. He shoved his hand into my vagina to 'determine how far I was' and said the bleeding just meant I was complete. 9cms and ready to push. He stabbed a monitor into baby's head at this point and I felt her startle inside me. That was when he told me she was in distress (ya think?) and that she needed to come out immediately. They proceeded to chant push, push, push and all I could think of in that moment was I don't have an urge to push at all and now I'm purple pushing. This was not what I wanted, what I envisioned.

I was threatened with a c-section, abused further. My husband wasn't informed of ANYTHING this doctor did to my body. I was pushing best I could but I really had zero urge. I then felt an odd sensation, like my pubic bone was breaking in half and I thought oh ring of fire.... but then I felt the doctor doing something to me and my legs shot out in fight or flight mode. It was horrible. Then threw my legs back and yelled at me that I needed to do this NOW OR I WOULD GET A CSECTION!!! The doctor had placed a vacuum on baby's head and was yanking her out of me, my body did not have time to properly open and that was the 'ring of fire' that I was feeling. I felt defeated at this time. I pushed with all of my might to get this over and done with, so I could finally meet my baby.

The doctor finally freed her from my body and she was whisked away. He yanked my placenta out (a huge NONO) and then shoved his whole hand inside of me to 'make sure he got everything', he was stitching me up with no pain medication when I asked what gender the baby was. Is it a boy or a girl?? The doctor snarkily said, girl. I was amazed, I grew another baby girl... a sister for Sissy and the boys. My husband went to meet his baby girl for the first time and came back to my bedside to tell me she was so beautiful. I was so relieved to have her Earthside, whole and beautiful. She weighed 9lbs 5oz and was just perfect.

I have some negative feelings about the way she came into the world but I can not change that. I had the most peaceful pregnancy and labor. I'm so glad she is here and a part of our family. She really is such a blessing and a joy, my little sunshine. She looks almost identical to her big brother Peanut. And she a happy little lark so long as she is attached to me. I really couldn't ask for more... my hands are full but so is my heart.

The Sound of Sunshine

one two three, uhuh

i wake up in the morning its six o'clock
they say there may be rain but the sun is hot
i wish i had some time just to kill today
and i wish i had a dime for every bill i've got to pay
some days you lose you win
and the water's as high as the times your in
so i just back in there where i learned to swim
try to keep my head above it the best i can
that's why,

here i am, waiting for this storm to pass my by
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down

one two three, uhuh

i saw my friend bobby i said "what's up man"
you got a little work or twenty to lend
i opened up my hand he said "i'm glad to see
they can take away my job but not my friends"

here i am, waiting for the storm to pass my by
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down
and that's the sound of sunshine coming down

i wanna go where the summer never ends
with my guitar on the beach there with all my friends
the suns so hot and the waves in motion
and everything smells like sun tan lotion
the ocean, and the girls so sweet
so kick off your shoes and relax your feet
they say that miracles are never seizing
and every single soul needs a little releasing
the stereo bumpin till the sun goes down
and i only wanna hear that sound

that's the sound of sunshine coming down
that's the sound of sunshine coming down

i said you're the one i wanna be with
when the sun goes down
i said you're the one i wanna be with
when the sun goes down
singin you're the one i wanna be with
when the sun goes down

that's the sound of sunshine coming down
that's the sound of sunshine coming down

I Hate When the Phone Rings Before I'm Awake.

My Papa was hurt this morning. :( I was laying in bed rather late... and I heard the distinct ring of the phone that I have set for my grandparent's number. I attempted to hobble out of bed fast as I could (which isn't too fast anymore), of course I didn't make it to the phone before the ringing stopped.

My cousin answered when I called back, she told me papa fell from the top of the porch this morning. Apparently he had taken her dog out for a walk and the dog pulled him down the stairs quicker than he could grab his footing. :( He's got a fractured foot and some bumps and bruises.

On the positive side, it's not his ankle. An ankle is hard to heal even if you are young and healthy, I can't imagine the ramifications of a broken ankle in an elderly person. It's probably just as bad as breaking a hip. It's just a fracture... which I know sometimes a fracture is worse than a break but really there's less to heal. It may be more painful in some ways but he's got some good pain meds. He hit his head but it was the last thing that hit, so it didn't take the force of the impact entirely. He was also wearing a hat which protected his head, so he's only a little skunned up. He said something about his back hurting (probably from being wrenched down the stairs so forcefully)but by the time they got into the emergency room he wasn't that bothered by the back.

I'm certain he'll be fine. He has this amazing indomitable spirit, so much love from family and friends... so much support. He'll make it through this, but my heart hurts because he's hurt and it takes awhile to heal. He was just getting back into working and really enjoying the jobs he had. He's been teaching my big guy how to do so many things. I hope this is just a drop in the bucket for him and doesn't take him all that long to heal, really.

Unhindered.

I'm getting really uncomfortable lately.. the pelvic pain is starting to wear on me as is the sciatica and just general discomfort. It's hard to move, it's hard to get up and hard to get down. I'm trying not to get lost in the discomfort, it's counterproductive and will prevent me from focusing on the end. I know this.

Today, this morning, I had cramps that were 5-7 minutes apart for about an hour. Hubby was starting to get excited and asked me if today was the day... not yet, honey! It's much too soon! After a tall glass of water and a nice hot shower they petered out and while I've definitely had more of them than usual today, I've had no cervical changes that I can tell.

I'm just hoping that all goes well with my birth. My mom wants to come over tomorrow to talk about the things I want, my beliefs, etc. She'd really make a good doula (I think) and there's a part of me that's very much at peace with this decision. I know she'll be supportive, she's never necessarily been a mother to me but she's always, always been supportive of my choices, lifestyle, etc. She's always been my cheerleader and believed in me even when I've had a hard time believing in myself.

I guess I'm just feeling a little introspective right now... I am ready to meet this babe but know it's not time yet. I feel very little anxiety over it all, my biggest concern is the ability to go into labor on my own but I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. Unhindered. Truly the way birth should be.

School.

Recently K has expressed a displeasure with our unschooling lifestyle. He's requested to go back to public school and I'm really struggling with the idea. I feel so strongly, so firmly against the public school system that I just can't fathom sending him back... essentially to fail.

K is not dumb, he just hasn't realized yet that he is and has always been a non-conformist. I can remember a 3rd grade meeting with the school, the social worker and her people, the teacher... and them saying to me (spitting it out at me, really) that K was a non-conformist. I looked at them totally perplexed at the disdain they were showing over this label. Really? Is being a non-conformist so bad? Apparently to the public school model it is.

How I wish I could go back to first grade with him and take him out then. How I wish I could have just followed my gut that was screaming that this IS wrong and just do it rather than listening to family who told me that I would never have the patience to keep my kids home. I do feel I had a lot of growing to do before I could keep the kids home but I think I would have rose to the challenge quite gracefully. I hate that I had to blindly follow because that's just what someone does... all kids go to school, homeschoolers are strange, etc.

I know someone is whispering in his ear, telling him that in order to make anything in this life he MUST get his high school diploma. He MUST comply to the standards that 'everybody else' had to go through in order to get anywhere. I know someone is in his ear telling him that he will get a scholarship to go to college... and I know someone has taken the very idea of 'school' and made him believe that it's all art and music and sports. I have tried explaining that it isn't but it's hard to tell somebody something they don't want to hear.

For now we are at a standstill. He's agreed to stay home and I'm desperately seeking opportunities for him that will somehow stimulate his non-conformity and encourage his artistic flair. His love of all music and his appeal to 'fit' in. I know in the end he'll be just fine. He will because he's my beautiful music man, non-conforming artiste. ;)

Always Learning

Today I was reminded how truly far I have come as a parent...

I have spanked my children, really my child. My K and I grew up together, essentially. I really did not know how to parent gently because I was not parented gently and so he was spanked as a little guy. I'm not sure when I realized that it really doesn't work.. that it's what you do when you lash out at someone in anger and that it's really just extremely ineffective. What was I teaching him??

I wish I could take those moments back, but I can't. I can't live in my past only in the here and now... I thought about it on the ride home and realized he was spanked the most and with each child I've had I've used that 'tool' less and less. I'm not perfect and have lost it, even recently, but I do go back and apologize and say I'm in the wrong. I think that's even more important... that my children see me as human, not impervious to making mistakes.

Anyway. I'm proud of myself. Not proud that I was a spanker but proud that I realized that it doesn't work and have found other, more effective ways to 'discipline' my children. I'm always learning on this journey called being a parent. :) I hope I never stop.

You know it's so often that I start these blogs and let them slide... slipping into oblivion. Like they serve a purpose and I taint them somehow with negativity and have to distance myself even further.

I don't want that to happen with this blog, this was supposed to be my blog about love and growth and life.

About a month after my last post I conceived again. How odd.. how strange, that I would go from not really sure that I want another, omg I'm pregnant!!, miscarriage to knowing for sure I am meant to have another baby.

I'm currently 8 months pregnant and all appears to be going well. I've decided to be surprised at birth so I have no idea if I'm carrying another little boy or another girl. Most days I feel 'boy' but then I have distinct 'girl' feelings other days. S is pretty adamant that mommy is having a girl. I think either gender will be nice. :)

My miscarriage definitely changed how I view pregnancy, in good ways and bad. I have needed a little more reassurance this time around... I've relied quite heavily on my doppler. I didn't need that form of reassurance with my previous pregnancies but it's nice to know that there really is someone in there and that someone has a beautiful, strong and healthy heart. I don't listen as often now as I did before I felt movement...

I love the shape of my body while pregnant, I feel like a goddess. Round and full of life. Happy, growing, glowing. I'm practicing patience, it's a daily exercise for me because if there is one thing I'm lacking it's patience. I've never been very patient and I think that was my downfall with my daughter... I was not ready to go past the 'safe zone' of 42 weeks, I was not ready for her to decide to come in her own time. Even though I knew... she always has does things in her own time, even with an induced labor... she made me wait a full 24 hours before her arrival. Almost as if to punish me for trying to evict her before she was ready.

I hope to start writing regularly again... I always feel my best when I'm journaling.

My favorite pic thus far in this pregnancy.

Last Sunday in January

It's been awhile... yeah. famous last words from me.

This weekend my brother stayed over. He's K's age. It puts me in a funny spot because I have to deal with my mother, and right now we're not speaking all because I said I would pick up my brother and realized after I said that (3 months ago!!) that I had no gas in the car. It was fine, we managed to get him over and back home, she is still holding that grudge. Claiming I perpetrated it and wanted it that way. Yeah. Whatever. So tonight I was forced to bring my brother home because I did not want some random anybody to pick him up. Inevitably when I pulled up to the apartment complex there was my mother walking down the stairs with the dog. Ugh! I told my brother I really didn't want to deal with my mom... and she gave pause as soon as she saw me, too. A part of me is really annoyed (and hurt) that she didn't come running out to talk to me. (Aren't I childish?) It's really not ME who has the problem... it's HER. I won't apologize for some perceived fuck up that I know wasn't on purpose. Of all the things to get pissed about. ahem.. I digress.

So yeah, I'm a little bothered that she didn't come out anyway and force me to deal with her. It might have gotten us over this hurdle... or it might not. I'm in such a weird place emotionally right now. Very prickly and sensitive. As I was leaving the apartment parking lot it dawned on me that woman has never been there for me when I truly, truly needed her. Never in my times of grief, never in the times I've fallen and needed a helping hand. And really I just want to say, Fuck that! (and I really feel like this broken record... so and so wasn't there for me when I needed them. wah wah)

On a lighter note... I've become quite the housewife the past two weeks. My kitchen is clean, my living room is clean, my bathroom is clean and all the bedrooms are in some semblance of order. If someone just popped in tomorrow, I wouldn't be mortified to let them in. I like this... and I hope I stick with it.

Jan 4 2010

I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. I suppose the miscarriage spurred that on... I've always been a why, why, why person though. I love a good puzzle. I'm also a bit neurotic. lol

Today started off a good day... then went to shit in a matter of moments. I wanted to do an art lesson with the kids today. I feel like we need a little more structure to our days, not necessarily a schedule but something to fill our time rather than mindless hours of internet gaming and social sites. I chose mandalas as I thought it would be fun and not a lot of pressure. Ha!

It started with the printer and my computer not feeling very compatible for a few moments which left me a little frazzled. Then Sage girl decided she had to potty and sat on her seat with the lid down, pee EVERYWHERE. Then Ky had his box of dye that he has been carrying around for the past day flashing me with every time he catches my eye. Dammit kid! I'll dye your hair when I get there. I had finally got every thing I wanted together after numerous interruptions (feeling like I wanted to SCREAM) and I lost it. The kids were bickering, chattering, sneering, glaring... the noise was too much for me.. and then my oldest copped a 'tude. Really what I wanted to do was knock out his teeth (really.. i promise i'm a nice mommy) but instead I snapped at him verbally. Which led to my husband laughing at me which was just the wrong thing to do at this point in time. I pinched the back of his arm in frustration, hard enough to leave a bruise... and instantly felt terrible. Why do I forget to breathe in these sort of situations?! We went about coloring the mandalas which was somewhat relaxing, everybody was done before me. Including Sage, who proceeded to get whiny and then turned into a sniveling mess which brought along some more irritation. Urgh!

It was after I got her down for a nap that my stomach cued hunger pains. Like OW pains. Duh! I hadn't eaten yet... and apparently my body still really needs at least 3 meals/day. I felt a lot better after I ate... and even better after I finished my mandala while watching a funny comedian. Laughter is good for the soul.

Sage woke up and I decided I was going to go to the library by myself. As I was wandering around the non-fiction section, I let my body lead the way... I wound up stopping at the Reiki section. I had to chuckle... for real? I think the Universe was sending me a message... a big one. The book that stuck out was called Self-Healing with Reiki. Totally curious now, so I grabbed it. I also scored and picked up Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and a new Tarot book. So I have some reading material now... maybe that will help me to relax?

I hate bad Mommy days. I feel awful for how irritable I was today... not to mention how not so nice of a wife I was. Oops? Luckily my family is rather forgiving? If I was nicer I would have cooked a nice dinner but I was tired and Hubby had thrown in stuffed peppers while I was at the library. Lucky me. They tasted terrible (boxed meal) but it was sweet of him to try. He also made the kids jello.

new years eve

After feeling pretty good about things I didn't think after a week my emotions would come crashing at me so hard. I'm sad.. and empty today. It's been a week, a week since my womb was occupied. I'm not sure how to heal this and I'm not sure it will ever go away. I feel like I learned so much from this experience but that it was such a teaser.. I desperately want another baby, but why. I'm sad that it likely won't happen right away.

I also wonder why I want to keep having kids. Why do I feel like I'm trying to fix something within myself each pregnancy and when will I learn that I can not change the past? I can not make my mother be a mother to me, but I can be a mother to my kids. I can not make my childhood any easier but I can make theirs gentler. I can not force a relationship to happen with my mother or my stepmother but I can foster a truly loving relationship with my daughter. I can not heal my birth experiences through another. So will another baby change these things, fill the void? no, not likely.

I guess it seems odd to ask these questions and I feel like I'm talking in circles lately. Anyway, I asked a psychic if there was another baby and if so, when? And her response I guess really triggered me to question.. though the feelings were there long before the questions.

I don't want to end the year on such a sad note.. though it was a rather shitty year and I'm more than happy to see it go. I want to look for some positives... looking forward. I want to spend more time with my family this year, quality time. I want to shift my kids' attitudes and other things in the coming months. I'm hoping things go smoother this coming year, I hope my husband gets a job soon, I hope that we conceive another baby this year.. and gosh I hope for many things. Let's just say I'm counting on 2010 to be far better than 2009.

Warning: TMI My miscarriage story

It's complete.

Dec. 18 ~started spotting pink. I felt really disturbed by the sight and cried a bit. This was so not what I was expecting.

Dec. 19 ~spotting seemed to have tapered off some, turned brown. Was still bothered by it but thought maybe it was just nothing, a fluke.

Dec. 20 ~had more spotting, was brown and red. That evening I had my first trickle of red blood. I thought for sure this was it. No cramping or discomfort there.

Dec. 21 ~thought things might be ok, still had some hope that maybe it was nothing.. or something perhaps placental. It seemed the bleeding occurred every evening between 6 and 8pm.

Dec. 22 ~I think the bleeding started earlier today. Seemed like there was always blood whenever I wiped but it wasn't flowing out of me. Still not really cramping or uncomfortable.

Dec. 23 ~Woke up really not feeling well. I went to fun club and just didn't feel right. I felt weak and shaky. I came home, on the drive home I felt really crampy. I took a nap and felt something odd in my butt, was very uncomfortable. Bleeding picked up a little but still nothing massive.

Dec. 24 ~Went to my mother in laws for Christmas. Ate lots of protein type foods. I had a plate full of deviled eggs, chicken strips and a deli sandwich. My body decided that's what it needed to get things really going. I started cramping and I could feel it coming in waves. It was really starting to get uncomfortable around the time we started opening gifts. I told my husband that I felt like we should go soon. I really wasn't feeling well. I stood up to leave and a bunch of clots and blood came pouring out of me. I was grateful it wasn't all over but I did have to run to the bathroom and swap things out. We left shortly after because I did not want to do this anywhere but home. The whole car ride I could feel waves of pain, it was very similar to active labor and I was moaning through some of the pains. We got home and the little one had fallen asleep in the car, thank goodness because I really was stuck in the bathroom. Lots of clots came out at this point and the pain was pretty intense. It was bearable.. but intense. I really felt at ease with this process by this point. Up until now.. I was teary and emotional every time I thought about it but at that point I embraced it. My body was doing what it knew needed to be done. I was trusting the process to happen naturally and it did. Things slowed down considerably. I was able to clean myself up a bit and the bathroom some.. throw a pad on and EAT. I was hungry. and thirsty. After I ate, I had one more episode where i was stuck to the toilet.... then I was able to just relax. I was tired but felt pretty good. I think in part I was amazed at the process.. which probably sounds very strange for some. I started thinking about Christmas and how my poor babies had nothing to open Christmas morning. I felt bad about this.. and decided that I felt well enough to run out to Wal-Mart to get each of them a few things. I was trying to take it easy while there, but a few times I felt a little woozy. I got home after being there for about an hour and felt like I needed to pee. I sat down and pushed a little and plop, out came the placenta. I had a look at it.. amazed that my body created this and sustained it for a few weeks. I have read many miscarriage stories recently and so many women found comfort in keeping their placentas, I decided before all of this happened that I wanted to do the same. So I had another good look.. I could see the gestational sac and even a tiny babe floating around inside of it. The baby was about the size of a sesame seed.. I think it had stopped developing around 6ish weeks which is around the time that I just felt like something was off. I put the placenta in a bag and will bury it in the spring. Goodbye my beautiful sweet babe.. I'm sorry I wasn't able to nurture you for very long, you were very, very loved and wanted and I thank you for showing me that my body is not broken and knows what to do when given time to complete the process on my own.

I truly felt like this was a huge learning experience for me. I also feel like I should probably feel devastated... but I'm actually very much at peace with things. I want another babe.. and so does my husband, we might actually try for one this time instead of allowing it to just happen. A part of me feels like this babe's purpose was to show me... he/she was such a surprise to me. Usually I have this feeling like a babe is knocking at the door so to speak. It was just all so unusual. I really miss being pregnant though.. and was so looking forward to my belly growing round, Sage being a big sister and having a little one to grow with. I really wanted this but I know it was not the right time in my heart. Hopefully I'm blessed to experience another babe in this lifetime, a babe from my womb.

Love and light on this Christmas day. I'm healing physically.. emotionally I'm sound.

raw

goodbye baby. i never thought this would happen to me.. i never thought my body would fail me so badly. it's an answer.. but it's not really the one i was hoping for. my heart hurts. i wanted this baby. i wanted to grow round and celebrate my body. i wanted a homebirth. i wanted sage to have a little baby to grow up with.

i think i knew a few weeks ago. i panicked when my symptoms seemed to just disappear overnight. i'd never experienced that before. i had grown somewhat complacent with my new norm and thought things were just going differently this time. all of my pregnancies have been very different. then on friday, the 18th i started to lightly spot. it was pink mucous that went to brown.. that lasted a couple days. on sunday i had my first drop of red blood. i thought oh great, this is it but things didn't quite pick up from there. so i settled into thinking maybe it's just something placental.. maybe it's nothing. maybe it will just stop. god so many fucking maybes. i'm angry at those maybes. i'm pissed at them for not coming true. fuck you maybes. and yet.. i still have more.. maybe i'm just losing a twin, maybe it's not what i think it is.. maybe hope.

things really picked up this evening. my bleeding had gotten a little heavier yesterday, and there was more today. i just felt off today. totally off, it must have been apparent because a few people pointed it out at our homeschool group. once i settled in i felt a little better, probably because my mind was off of it. when i got home i napped with my sage girl, was woke with a crisis and dealt with that. when i went to the bathroom the next time there was a lot of clotty stuff and my back has been hurting. it's not too bad yet.. but i guess it will get worse. i feel raw emotionally. merry fuckin' christmas to me... bitter.

A new outlook

I asked babe to give me a sign last night before bed. I woke feeling good overall about this pregnancy, positive. I hope I can just stop and listen and enjoy for now... no matter what happens in the future. I've been striving for that this whole pregnancy and it seems I'm taking baby steps to get there. It's complicated and difficult to let go of what you've always been but apparently quite important to me right now. Ah! I feel like I'm talking in circles. lol Anyway... today's prognosis, no spotting = good.

Spotting

Last night I started spotting a little. It was very light but alarming to me just the same. It started off pinkish, went to an old reddish color then tapered off to brown. Today I had one episode of dark brown spotting but it all looks like old blood. I'm really not sure how to feel about it, what to think. I am trying to keep the faith and trust that all will be well. It's a little difficult at times when in the past couple of weeks I have really questioned if I am pregnant at all. My symptoms at times seem so mild compared to Sage's pregnancy but really all of my boys were rather mild compared to Sage's pregnancy.

There have been a couple of times I've felt a cramp here or there but I know that's entirely in the realm of normal in the first trimester. It could be nothing, too, just my uterus stretching and growing. I wish I just knew with certainty. The guessing is wearing me down. I have no insurance so just making an appointment doesn't work for me and I really don't deem this an emergency situation. Not enough to justify going to the emergency room. So I guess I sit and wait it out.

My Questions

I'm currently reading Birthing From Within by Pam England and Rib Horowitz. I'm not too far into the book just yet but one of the first things it asks is what's my question?

"When you were expecting, what was it that you needed to know to give birth?"

I have a few questions...

Do I trust in my body?
Do I trust my own judgment?
Do I believe in myself?

I've had these questions come up over and over the past couple of weeks. The first trimester of pregnancy is always the hardest. I haven't felt too awful this time around and I think that has played with my brain a bit. I spent most of last week even questioning if I was pregnant still. I had an epiphany at some point that while it matters to me what happens, what will be will be. I can't control or it change it and I'm embracing that as best I can right now. I'm just trying to find my inner patience and project it best I can.

I should post a belly pic.. I am not too full yet, but definitely have some bloat lol which gives the appearance of belly. ;) I can just feel the top of my uterus and I always find that part of pregnancy neat and interesting. I am really trying to have patience and enjoy each step of this journey. It's interesting how much I want this now... now that it's a reality, I'm terrified of losing it.